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BREAKING ECONOMIC NEWS: GOP to Sponsor Innovative Women's Program

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Anonymous sources think that the GOP is seriously considering officially adopting the Sponsor a Uterus program as part of their economic stimulus agenda.

"But, what," you may ask, "does this extraordinary, innovative and unique program have to do with the economy and jobs?"

Ok, I will... "What does this extraordinary, innovative and unique program have to do with the economy and jobs?" I mean, how many times do we have to be told by polls, surveys, politicians and the media that issues like contraception and abortion have NOTHING to do with the economy? Women, especially young, childless, undecided women voters, are talking about jobs, not contraception, right? As Mitt Romney keeps repeating with the tried and true conviction that just saying things out loud over and over magically makes them real: "It's about the economy, and we're not stupid." (It's ok, take a moment to brush the fairy dust off your shoulders. I'll pause.)

OK, so, these "social" things related to wombs and babies and fair pay for people who have wombs and babies are a "distraction" leading Americans to avert their gaze from what's really important.

But, humor me for a minute or two.

First, let's eliminate the most obvious concern you may have. The fact that becoming a mother, which means controlling her very own uterus' use, is probably the the single most important decision an American woman makes about her short- and long-term economic well-being is irrelevant. Really, just because a woman is 44% less likely to be hired when she is a mother shouldn't mean she should worry her pretty head about timing her pregnancies. Making 11% less than her non-mother female counterparts and up to 78% less than her male counterparts by virtue of having used her uterus for gestation? Puhleez. And, just because a woman is less likely to complete her education because of unplanned reproduction does not mean you should pause for even one minute. These are red herrings and you need to put them aside pronto!

So, now that we've gotten that out of the way, how does it help the economy to sponsor a uterus?

1. It reduces government bureaucracy and frees legislators up to focus on what's really important -- the economy. Republican legislators and candidates, not having had the Sponsor a Uterus option before, have spent most of their time this year benevolently sponsoring uteri by proxy: Informed consent; rape sonograms -- oops, sorry medically unnecessary, expensive vaginal probes, mandatory waiting periods, lying to women for their own good. Oh, and some violence. A beating now and then is good for gals who are helped post-thrashing by thinking about what they loved about their abusers to begin with. Now, leveraging the politically resonant free market approach embodied (so to speak) in the Sponsor a Uterus program, Republican legislators won't have to spend any more debate time on these issues or, for example, on explaining how women lie about their rapes, which involve their uteri in collateral "giftlike" ways. Now these guys can focus on the economy. Phew.

2. By sponsoring a woman's uterus you can remove the distraction that it causes to both women and conservative politicians. By doing this you help ensure that we, as individuals and a nation, focus on what's really important in this election year: the economy and giving people the tools to build it and participate in it! It is true, countries where women have control over their own uteri experience stronger consistent economic growth than those in which women don't. Put that out of your mind. We're not stupid, just a wild and crazy fun patriarchy!

3. It's a matter of trust and by sponsoring a uterus you get to make sure a woman's relationship to her uterus is appropriately vicarious so that nothing goes awry and screws up The Economy. As Dahlia Lithwick so eloquently pointed out on Slate.com, the core of the GOP's campaign hinges on a fundamental distrust of all women. From this angle, sponsoring a woman's uterus is simply more efficient all the way around: a quick and easy solution to concerns that conservatives have about women's abilities to make good decisions about virtually anything -- especially if it involved their own bodily integrity, which has nothing to do with their ability to participate fully and actively in the economy.

4. By sponsoring a uterus, you can help small business sector growth while ensuring corporate protections that are not really extended to women themselves. Once you sponsor a uterus, you can incorporate it. Access to a uterus is necessary to participate in this growth area and sponsorship is a stimulus.

5. Last but not least, breeding new workers to be in the economy is made easier and faster through this sponsor program. I've suggested to organizers that they automatically include GOP husbandry guidelines for sponsors.

This sponsorship is an investment in our nation's future and quite possibly the single best random act of kindness you can perform today.

Thank god someone thought of this.