02/09/2012 03:54 pm ET | Updated Apr 10, 2012

Republican Candidates to Debate Whose Sperm Is Most Sacred

In the wake of Rick Santorum's three-state primary and caucuses win this week, Republican candidates have agreed to debate whose sperm is actually most sacred.

The debate, scheduled to coincide with the simultaneous annual meetings of the Quiverfull movement and the National Pessary Association, will be moderated by four virginal teenage girls who, although not in possession of their own sperm, are confident that they will have personal contact with sperm sometime during their reproductive lives. The candidates agreed to the 4-person moderated panel after rejecting Janet Howell, the Virginia state senator who recently attached a rectal exam for erectile dysfunction amendment to an anti-abortion bill, as a sole moderator. Given enduring evangelical antagonism towards Mitt Romney and Gingrich's serious problems with God-fearing women voters, this final debate, which recognizes the influence of both Santorum and Paul, could make a vas deferens in who wins the candidacy.

It is widely accepted that whereas neither Rick Santorum nor Ron Paul can secure the Republican presidential candidacy but both have the ability to split the seminal vote. Newt Gingrich's claim to be the one, true conservative is offset by the fact that Mitt Romney, a Massachusetts moderate, served as a Mormon bishop, an unimpeachable bone-a fide in some spermist circles.

Of all of the candidates, it is Rick Santorum who has set the tone for the debate. Among the remaining presidential hopefuls, Santorum has a clear advantage. Not only did the Duggar family give him their bus to use during the Iowa caucuses, but he has been a staunch and consistent anti-sperm-waste crusader, thinks contraception is "harmful to women" and believes that birth control should be illegal for everyone.

"Sperm is really important," explains an anonymous source close to Rick Santorum, "There is no doubt that the role of sperm as been marginalized during the past 50 years by radical women seeking equality. Rick Santorum wants to fix that."

At least one 2011 survey of sexually active women revealed that a substantial percentage of pregnancies, including unwanted ones, were in fact due to sex that involved sperm.

Another study, of blind lemmings conducted during the lunar phase that took place during last year's National Football League's annual convention dinner, seemed to reinforce his belief that contraception is bad for women. The study revealed that hormones secreted by female lemmings just prior to their annual suicide run emulate those found in oral hormonal contraceptives.

In addition to conservative, religious voters, Santorum strategists believe that the debate could help him with the broader audience of all women of childbearing years. Guttmacher Institute surveys confirm that there are 62 million U.S. women in this cohort, seven in 10 of whom would rather not get pregnant, even though Santorum wants them to.

"This debate could be a game changer," says a key player. "This gives him the opportunity to convince these voters to cede their reproductive rights on the basis of his having not just sperm, but more sacred sperm."

Although Ron Paul has been almost silent on the issue of sperm, his woman-as-reproductive-machine position reflects a popular 13th century understanding of sperm as an energetic teeny tiny man who runs around inside the vessel of a woman.

Despite their differences, the candidates agree that radical social changes that took place during their collective formative years resulted in a large percentage of women gaining control over the conception, fertilization, implantation, gestation and birth that takes place in their bodies. As any Leading Father with Family Values knows, sperm, its production, possession and sacrality, is the only remaining lynchpin to patriarchal control of reproduction. All of the candidates have been outspoken about their firm commitment to inequality for women on this basis.

In anticipation of radical, left-wing liberal media questions about whether or not, when taken to its logical conclusion, this approach doesn't lead to an exponential increase in unintended pregnancies and abortions, the candidates have agreed to form a manly scrum on stage as they light a small condom-shaped burning bush on fire and mumble words that sound like "we know what's best for women."

**Although this post is a parody, the links are all real.