It is not easy to be a jerk on Twitter, but with the right strategy, approach, and perseverance, it is possible. Don't believe the crap out there from people like Kevin Rose on how to gain Twitter followers. I mean, he has what, like 1,169,154 followers. Who the hell does he think he is to be talking about this? Mashable also has their list of Twitter advice. All nonsense.
If you follow the guidelines below, in fact, you will be assured of gaining 1,278,457.5 new followers. And you get to have the pleasure of being a jerk while doing it. It's a complete win/win.
Sound too good to be true? It's not. Here are the seven things you need to know:
1) Claim Everything as Your Own
Let's face it, this whole Retweeting business is bullshit. I mean, why give someone else credit for an item you found? Granted, you may have learned about it through reading someone else's tweet, but that is beside the point. You want to show that you are the source of all things cool and hip, and to do so, it is important to claim everything as your own. Never acknowledge others. Remember, anything good must be seen as originating from you.
2) Suck up to the Twitter Elite
There are those who are more worthy and less worthy than you, and this is determined by the number of followers one has. It is important that you know who the top tweeters are and do anything you can to get them to mention your username. Bribe them, @reply them all the time, continuously send them compliments, whatever it takes. Suck up as much as you can, and pray that one day they will mention your name. After all, your success on Twitter and entire worth as a person depends on it.
3) Never Respond to Your Follower's @replies
While sucking up to the top tweeters, make sure to pay no attention to those that follow you. Never, for example, respond to @replies from those that follow you. I mean, why stoop to their level? Make yourself as hard to reach as possible. Remember, you are special, and deserve to be treated as such. Just the fact that someone is following you reveals that he or she is beneath you. Never treat them as equals.
4) Never Enjoy Yourself
If you have a service or product to sell, make sure all your followers know of it, daily if possible, as people tend to forget. I mean, you know that people will never find true fulfillment in life until they purchase your product or service, so out of the goodness of your heart, let them consistently know where and how to buy it. Remember, Twitter is not for fun. If you enjoy it, then there is something seriously wrong with you.
5) Boast Constantly
Your friends and family may know you are wonderful, but it is important to let all your followers know. To do so, only tweet that which makes you appear cool, smart, and all wise. Hell, make shit up if you have to. I mean, who is really ever going to know? Besides, your followers want be bullshitted. They really do. Therefore, hide anything that makes you appear the slightest bit like a normal human being with his or her own challenges. Believe me, people will love you for it.
6) Pay No Attention to What You Tweet
Really, it does not matter what you tweet. I mean, your followers should be happy that you take the time out of your extremely important life to tweet at all. What, like they now expect you to put thought to what you tweet! Please. If people really deserve to be your followers (and lets face it, it really is an honor), they should know that you cannot be expected to add anything of value to their life through your tweets.
7) Disregard all Relationships That Do Not immediately Benefit You
Remember, the game is about making yourself look better, and if has to happen at the expense of others, well, tough shit. The world revolves around you and you only. Pay no attention to relationships unless you know someone can immediately make you more popular or richer. If they cannot, ignore them immediately. People are in this world to benefit you. Never help them, or spend any time on anything that will not benefit your bottom line. Avoid all non-profit endeavors.
I know you are likely thinking, "Man, I want to be a jerk on Twitter and gain 1,278,457.5 new followers, but these suggestions seem so difficult to implement. Can I really do it"
Don't worry, I know you can. Besides, what other real option do you have? It's not like you can simply do the opposite of these and expect to do well on Twitter. C'mon, get serious!
Soren Gordhamer works with individuals and groups on living with greater mindfulness and purpose in our technology-rich age. He is the author of Wisdom 2.0: Ancient Secrets for the Creative and Constantly Connected (HarperOne, 2009) and the audio series Meditations for the Constantly Connected. Website: www.sorengordhamer.com
Follow Soren Gordhamer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/SorenG