For your perusal, a comprehensive look at the new TV season, with exciting and innovative entertainment guaranteed to stop the bleeding caused by audiences abandoning television in favor of pretty much anything else.
MONDAY
8-9
ABC - Organ Harvesting With the Stars
CBS - I Like the Episode With the Quick Flashbacks; I Know the Person Who Created This So I Respectfully Pass
NBC - Remember When This Was a Big Deal? My, Time Sure Flies
FOX - The Snakes On a Cane Campaign Is a Whole Lot More Interesting Than the Show
CW - Anyone Over 18 Watching This, Go Fuck Yourselves
AMC - We Show Midway For The 200,000th Time
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Dogpatch
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
CBS - Charlie Sheen Gets $825,000 Per Episode, Which Is Approximately $412,500 For Each Facial Expression; Nerds Sure Are Lovable But None of You Would Have Sex With Them, Either
NBC - They're Paramedics and They Care, Dammit!
FOX - So, Will British Actors Be Taking Over All Our Lead Roles?
CW - See CW Monday, 8:00
A&E - If You Thought Someone Existed Who Doesn't Want To Expose His or Her Problems For America To Salivate Over, Look Elsewhere
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - Oh, The Romantic Tension! Oh, The zzzzzz...
CBS - CSI: Pinkberry
NBC - Jay Leno Incurs the Wrath of Every Unemployed Hour-Long Drama Writer
Discovery Health - Illegal Immigrants Are Hiding In Your Colon
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
TUESDAY
8-9
ABC - I Can't Wait For the Updated Misfits of Science
CBS - NCIS: Ice Station Zebra
NBC - How About a Show Where People Gain Weight To Star In a Remake of Raging Bull?
FOX - So You Think You Can Genetically Engineer Monkeys Free of Inherited Diseases?
CW - Aaron Spelling Has Been Dead For Three Years And He Has More Shows On the Air Than David E. Kelley and Steven Bochco Combined
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
ABC - Organ Harvesting With the Stars (Results Show, from China)
CBS - NCIS: Xanadu
CW - See CW Tuesday, 8:00
PBS - The Same Pledge Drive Reruns of Victor Borge Concerts You Saw As a Kid
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - A Health Care Public Option or a Successful Christian Slater Show: Which Will Happen First?
CBS - She's a Lawyer Whose Bastard Politico Husband Cheated On Her And Now She Cares, Dammit!
NBC - Jay Leno Drives a Larger Portion Of The TV Audience To Even Unfunnier Shit Online
Bravo - Jeff Lewis Finds Dust Under Refrigerator, Kills 15 at High School
Spike - People Kick Each Other
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
WEDNESDAY
8-9
ABC - Family Show With Former Star of Popular Sitcom #476981; Family Show With Former Star of Popular Sitcom #476982
CBS - Remind Yourself That Ms. Louis-Dreyfus Has the Most Successful TV Career of the Seinfeld Cast and Shake Your Head in Wonderment; Perhaps Jay Mohr Should Work Out With Carrottop's Trainer
NBC - They're Nurses And They Care, Dammit!
FOX - So You Think You Can Genetically Engineer Monkeys Free of Inherited Diseases? (Hybrid Results Show)
CW - Models: Is There Anything About Them That Isn't Fascinating?
AMC - Did You Miss Stripes When We Showed It Last? Good, Because It's On 200,000 More Times
Discovery - We Disprove the Myth That Anyone Cares About TV Anymore
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
ABC - Wait! A Comedy in the Form of a Documentary? Pinch Me--I Must Be Dreaming!; And I'm Supposed to Sympathize With Courteney Cox's Dating Woes...Why?
CBS - The Unemployment Rate May Be 9.7 But on TV, There Are Always Plenty of Opportunities For Serial Killers
NBC - Law & Order: Fuzzy Animal Slipper Unit
FOX - Anything That Gives Jane Lynch Work Is Okay By Me
CW - If You Think Models Are Fascinating In a Reality Context, Then Just Wait For the Breathtaking Fictional Stories About Them!
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - If John Updike Had Not Died Earlier In the Year, This Certainly Would Have Killed Him
CBS - CSI: Pepperland
NBC - Jay Leno Revels In the Irony That Most of the People in "Jaywalking" Segments Represent the Majority of His Audience
Food Network - Chef Irvine Makes Delicious 30-Minute Meals Out of Toothpicks, Catgut, and Radium
TV Land - Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) Tears Off Joan Rivers' Mask, Blows Her Out of Airlock Into Space
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
THURSDAY
8-9
ABC - The Blackout Is Caused By Something That Audiences Will Start Complaining About Online After Roughly Two Episodes
CBS - Survivor: Ceti Alpha V
NBC - Comparative Studies in Zany College Escapades 101; Amy Poehler's Crazy Stare Gets a Serious Workout
FOX - The Spencer Green Imagines Having Emily Deschanel As His Girlfriend And a World of Rainbows and Chocolate Rivers Hour
CW - Kids Sure Do Love Vampires, Am I Right?
Golf Channel - Something About Golf
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
ABC - One More Complaint to the Press and Katherine Heigl Will Be Doing The Ugly Truth II
CBS - CSI: Hyannis Port
NBC - Creed Bratton Needs His Own Show; At Least It's Safe to Assume Family Guy Won't Ever Win Best Comedy Series As Long As This Is Around
FOX - I'm Told This Is Good
CW - Kids Sure Do Love Things That Are Sort Of Like Vampires, Am I Right?
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - She's a Neonatal Surgeon And No One Cares, Dammit!
CBS - So, Will Aussies Be Taking Over All Our Lead Roles?
NBC - Jay Leno Causes Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon To Move To Primetime, Thus Releasing a Thousand Years of Locusts and Hail
Food Network - Chef Duff Makes a Cake In the Shape Of a Pie
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
FRIDAY
8-9
ABC - Couples Willingly Flaunt Their Shitty Parenting Skills For Millions to Enjoy So Their Kids Can Later Say, "See? This Is Why I'm Fucked Up"
CBS - Has There Ever Been a Ghost That's Perfectly Happy Not to Go To the Other Side?
NBC - Law & Order: 800-Meter Hermaphrodite Unit
FOX - Roughing the Viewer; This Show Has Come Back From the Dead More Times Than Richard Nixon
CW - After Nine Years, I Could Fly Without a Red Kryptonite Ring
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
ABC - Where Once Talked-About Shows Go To Die
CBS - Yes, Switching to This Network Will Send Ratings Through the Roof
NBC - They're Cops and Some of Them Care, Dammit!
FOX - The Spencer Green Wonders Why Eliza Dushku Never Returns His Calls Hour
CW - In Case You Missed Any of the Pearls of Wisdom Falling From the Collagen-Inflated Mouths of Models, Here's a Repeat So Take Notes This Time Around
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - The Stories That Even Good Morning America Rejected
CBS - Shouldn't Charlie Eppes Be Working On Fixing The Deficit? I Mean, There Are Roughly 12,000 Other TV Detectives and FBI Agents Who Can Solve Crimes While He's Gone
NBC - Jay Leno Wistfully Remembers When Letterman Called Him "The Funniest Stand-Up Guy Working" And Then Buys Another 1961 Ferrari 250 GT SWB California Spyder
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
SATURDAY
8-9
ABC - For Those Of You Home On Saturday, TV Executives Stopped Caring About This Night 15 Years Ago
CBS - Just a Reminder, Once All in the Family and M*A*S*H Were On During This Hour
NBC - Dateline NBC: Why Can't They Be Like We Were, Perfect In Every Way? What's the Matter With Kids Today?
FOX - Bloopers of Cambridge Officers Leaving Flaming Bags of Poo On Henry Louis Gates, Jr.'s Doorstep
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
CBS - All in the Family and M*A*S*H Were Followed By The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show
NBC - If NBC Gave a Shit About Saturday, Jay Leno Would Be On At This Hour, Too, And He Would Be Just Fine With it
FOX - John Walsh Needs a Hug
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
CBS - We Now Return You to Brutally Murdered Newlywed Theatre Already in Progress
NBC - Vintage Static, Circa 1955
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
SUNDAY
8-9
ABC - Ty and the Gang Help the Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe Move Into a Barefoot Tess Holly Flat
CBS - Seriously, Does Jerry Bruckheimer Have Time to Eat or Go To the Bathroom?
NBC - Insert Michael Vick Joke of Your Choice Here
FOX - If Cleveland Can Get His Own Show, Why Can't Bumblebee Man?; God, Will I Miss King of the Hill
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
9 - 10
ABC - Find Me Any One Who Watches This And I Will Kick Him or Her In the Kidneys
CBS - They're Doctors And They Care, Dammit!
FOX - Ripping Off The Simpsons and Repeating Star Wars Jokes That Robot Chicken Did Better Continues Unabated; See Fox Sunday, 9:00
We tv - Attention Men: Run! Run For Your Lives!
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media
10 - 11
ABC - Who Doesn't Want to Escape the Miseries of Their Own Family Life By Watching the Miseries of Someone Else's Family Life?
CBS - TV Airs a Police Procedural Show Every Hour On the Hour Or Your Pizza Is Free
E! - Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian Make Denise Richards Look Like Susan Sontag
AMC - Gosh, Everyone In the Early 60s Sure Was Depressed Despite Great Production Values
CNN - We Broadcast Anyone Anywhere With Anything To Say About Michael Jackson While Any Vestiges of Credibility or Relevance Go Down the Toilet Along With the Rest of the News Media