In a stunning new poll, 21% of Iowa's Republican caucus-goers plan to vote for Newt Gingrich, 15% plan to vote for Mitt Romney or Ron Paul, while 46% plan to wait for the late Arizona Senator Barry Goldwater to rise from the dead and announce his candidacy for president. "It could happen," said Iowa native Leonard Fetherball. "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice, especially if it's from beyond the grave."
Of the 46% who support a newly breathing Goldwater, 33% believe he can be re-animated through chemicals and electricity, 28% think some kind of supernatural or dark forces can be harnessed to make him live again, while 15% believe he's not really dead at all, but being preserved in a secret cryogenic chamber along with Walt Disney, Ted Williams' head, and Kevin Costner's career. "Death, schmeath," said chemical/electrical re-animation booster Myrna Holyake. "If Goldwater really wants this country back on a true conservative course, he'll just wake up, dust himself off and get to work."
When Iowa supporters were informed that Goldwater was not only pro-choice, but also a strong advocate for gay rights and a vocal opponent of religious extremism, poll numbers for him immediately plummeted. A distraught Fetherball said, "Is George Wallace dead? Because if he is, I might wait for him."