THE BLOG

Because I'm Vlad

03/12/2014 01:26 pm ET | Updated May 11, 2014

(Apologies to Michael Jackson)

Crimea's mine
The Ukraine, too
Whine all you want
What can you do?

I pick a fight
And then I win
The world reacts
Like Chamberlain

The NATO crowd
Will stand afar
While I remake
U.S.S.R.

I'm protecting ethnic Russians
Trapped in the conflict zone
Man, I'll say anything
To get Obama off the phone

Because I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
You know I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
You know, I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
And the whole world has to sit on its ass
While I go and shoot a whale
Who's Vlad?

Now, Merkel's blood
May start to boil
But she can't live
Without my oil

The Baltic States
Are getting tense
But who will come
To their defense?

For Mother Russia's
Espirit de corps
I'll send some troops
To the Jersey Shore

I don't need an explanation
You'll stay quiet like the Swiss
If you don't like what I'm doing
Then go and sanction this

Because I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
You know I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
You know, I'm Vlad, I'm Vlad, come on
(kneel, kneel, it's Vlad)
And Romania, Poland, Hungary are next
Just in case you didn't know:
Who's Vlad?