Bipartisan Debt Ceiling Plan: Get China Wasted, Pretend It Owes Us Money

As fear of the debt ceiling crisis and possible national default continues, a bipartisan committee of senators and congressmen has announced a plan which involves getting China totally wasted and making that country think it owes us money. "It was between this plan and all Americans simultaneously sticking their fingers in their ears and saying 'La la la la la,' for the next six months," says Senator Mike Oliosophee (R). "We believe this is the more rational and economically sound approach."

The plan -- called "Debt? Schmebt!" -- would require getting the entire Chinese population stoned and/or drunk right before they go to sleep, and then convincing them the next morning that the United States is actually the largest holder of China's debt, which the Chinese must pay back immediately or else. "In this way," explains Congressman Albert Twillin (D), "We get money back, the debt ceiling isn't raised, and China learns a valuable lesson about the dangers of alcohol and drugs."

To carry out "Debt? Schmebt!," approximately 40 million Americans would have to be secretly flown into China, each one assigned to drug about 30 or 40 Chinese people with alcohol and various strains of weed provided by the ATF and DEA. Congressman Gilbert Luftley (R) admits, "There may be a few logistical problems to work out but we're very hopeful we can pull this off and once again delay the wrath of the American people who, by all rights, should beat us bloody on a daily basis."