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Changes in Remake of Friday the 13th

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- New hockey mask designed by Bob Mackie

- Ecology-minded Jason uses solar-powered machete, turns hacked bodies into mulch for organic vegetable garden

- Higher budget allows digital effects shot which follows spear as it is shoved up victim's ass, travels through intestinal lining and pierces heart, releasing delicious candy to good girls and boys who don't have sexual intercourse

- Tragic backstory of Jason being ritually abused by Chris Brown

- Ten billion dollars of economic stimulus package go to rebeautifying Camp Crystal Lake and funding research programs to see how decapitating nubile teens will benefit renewable-energy industry

- Cameo by older Kevin Bacon, gets arrow through neck just as he is about to warn younger self not to make Quicksilver

- Killer reads passage from Ezekiel 25:17 to teens before disembowelling them

- Henry Blake's plane is shot down over Crystal Lake; it spun in...there weren't no survivors

- Stimulating campfire debates between teens on Article 5, Section 2 of the Kyoto Protocol, and whether methodologies for estimating anthropogenic emissions by sources and removals by sinks of all greenhouse gases not controlled by the Montreal Protocol shall be those accepted by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and if they should be agreed upon by the Conference of the Parties at its third or fourth session

- Teen victims receive continuous Twitter updates as others are being killed

- Larry H. Parker hired by Mrs. Vorhees to sue owners of Camp Crystal Lake for gross negligence, gets her two million dollars **

- Jason joins group therapy with Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Jigsaw, kid from "Deliverance," overcomes anger issues, is focus of new book by Malcolm Gladwell

- "Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha" music replaced by Glenn Miller Orchestra playing "Moonlight Serenade"

- Audiences spooge with delight over the prospect of young men and women being hunted down and killed like so much vermin ***

** Se habla Español!
*** wait, that remains the same