10/21/2011 05:49 pm ET | Updated Dec 21, 2011

Lost Provision Orders Do-nothing Congress Be Publicly Horsewhipped

In a stunning historical discovery, scholars have uncovered a long-lost provision in the United States Constitution which demands that all future do-nothing Congresses be horsewhipped in a public setting. "Many people have been thinking about taking action like this for years," said Professor Bartleby J. Schiavo. "It just shows you how perceptive and forward-thinking the founding fathers were."

The provision was found in a late Constitutional draft at the end of Article One, Section Eight dated September 4, 1787, in which Congress also initially had the power to "wage war against the undead and lycanthropes." It reads, "Should Congress fail to exercise its powers and duties in a timely and sensible fashion or should Members take excessive and lengthy vacations for which they are financially compensated, said members shall be ordered to the public square and repeatedly horsewhipped in a manner befitting the extent of their inactivity." The provision goes on to detail other tools that can be employed in lieu of actual whips, like canes, switches, rods, cat-o-nine-tails, weather vanes, and lighting rods.

Why the provision was not originally included in the Constitution remains unclear, although Schiavo ironically suggests, "The founding fathers knew that Congress would probably be too busy getting horsewhipped to have the time to potentially execute any of its duties." Nonetheless, within an hour of this new discovery, a Constitutional Convention was called by all 50 state legislatures, to propose an amendment that would incorporate the "horsewhipping" language and authorize a zombie army to enforce it.

Fifteen minutes before a vote was held to approve the amendment, members of Congress endorsed a bipartisan version of President Obama's jobs bill, cut 10 trillion dollars in government spending, drafted a balanced budget amendment, and voted to end all corporate loopholes, cap Wall Street salaries, and bring a number of investment bankers up on criminal charges. "Uh...we were going to do all that stuff anyway," said Senator Maxwell Fleurpin. "No hard feelings, America, huh?"