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The 2012 Fall TV Schedule (Or Something Like It)

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MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Ingesting Bath Salts With the Stars
CBS - Un--Wait For It--watchable!; Good To See Brandon Routh Getting Work
NBC - Launching the Careers of Mediocre Singers As Though the Fate of Western Civilization Depended On It And, At This Point, It Probably Does
FOX - Once Again, I Salute Caleb and Mary Jo Deschanel For the Finest Genes On This Planet
CW - Will Any of the Cast Members Be Asked To Do an Old Navy Commercial in 20 Years?
AMC - Haven't Seen The Shawshank Redemption? Good, Because We're Re-Running It Ten Times a Day For the Next Seven Years
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

CBS - Whitney Cummings Has Two Shows On TV And I Write Blogs For The Huffington Post; Have No Fears, They Have Fat Jokes For Years
FOX - Turn Your Head and Whack
CW - Let's Hope the Title Character Is Revealed To Be the Old Lady In the Bathtub From The Shining
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Mos Eisley
A&E - I Want a Hoarder Whose House Is Filled With Smaller Houses
VH1 - Eventually, We Will Run Out of Worthless People to Point Cameras At and Just Film Trees and Rocks
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - Suggestions For Richard's Next Novel: Hot Heat, Heaty Heat, Heaty Heaty, Hot and Meaty Hot Hot Heat
CBS - Somewhere, Jack Lord Is Definitely Not Smiling
NBC - Just Light Some Candles and Deal With It, Okay?
A&E - Prisons Are, Like, Bad
Food Network - All Pudding, All the Time!
TLC - The Family Made Entirely of Twigs and Spit
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC - Dancing With the Super PACs
CBS - NCIS: Dictionopolis
NBC - Because We Can't Get Enough of People Singing
FOX - Martha Plimpton's In It, That's Good Enough For Me; Brothers! Sisters! Oh, the Craziness!
CW - Sweet Home Alabama/Lord, Send Rachel Far From You
Sundance Channel - Something Involving Inuits
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

ABC - Big Deal, I've Worn Pajoveralls For Years; James Van Der Beek Is Funnier Reading Bad Tweets On Kimmel's Show
CBS - NCIS: Chipotle
NBC - Could This BE Any Lamer?; What Modern Family Hath Wrought
FOX - See Fox, Monday, 8:00; So, Does Every Person From The Office Get a TV Show Now?
CW - I'm Waiting for Meryl Streep's Guest Performance As a Cancer-Riddled Peruvian Mother Who Wants To Be Euthanized
HGTV - Turning Your House of Sand and Fog Into a House of Mirth
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - Shonda Rhimes Has Three Shows on TV And I Have to Forage For Berries In the Woods
CBS - Insert Prince Harry Joke Here
NBC - Family Heartbreak Au Jus
A&E - Proctology Wars
Comedy Central - I'd Feel Better About Defending Him If He Wasn't So Repulsive
HGTV - Ridding Both Your Houses of Pox
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

WEDNESDAY

8-9

ABC - Single-Camera Family Show #47668; Single-Camera Family Show #277896
CBS - Survivor: Aaron Sorkin's Newsroom Writing Staff
NBC - Scrubs + Dr. Dolittle = All Kinds of Shit; Guys? Taking Care of Their Kids? Can You Imagine? I Mean, Can You Imagine?!!
FOX - Sorry, But Simon Cowell's Tits Are Nicer Than Britney Spears'
CW - I'm Still Waiting For Claw the Unconquered To Get His Own Show
Current TV - After Spitzer Is Fired, He'll Be Replaced by Anthony Weiner, Then by David Chalian, Then by a Wheel of Cheese
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

ABC - Single-Camera Family Show #1334567; Single-Camera Family Show #1443256
CBS - Can They Use a Hologram of Merv Griffin as the Elevator Killer? "I've Always Just Loved To Kill. I Really Enjoyed It."
NBC - Eagerly Waiting For the "Legitimate Rape" Episode
CW - Sorry, But Kolchak Still Did It Better
FOX News - Images of American Flags and John Wayne Punching Hippies In the Throat
MSNBC - We Interrupt Footage of People in Prison For Some Freeze-Dried Sanctimony
TLC - Satisfying the Pedophile In All of Us
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - One, I Love You/Two, I'm Thinking Of You/Three, I'll Never Watch This Show
CBS - CSI: Bedford Falls
NBC - Flame Off
A&E - They're Des...picable
Food Network - How Come the Ice Cream-Making Machines Never Work?
TLC - Satisfying the Redneck and the Pedophile In All of Us
TV Land - We Could Film Old Scripts From One Day At a Time and No One Could Tell the Difference Between Them and Any of the New Garbage We Make
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

THURSDAY

8-9

ABC - We All Live In a Cancelled Submarine
CBS - What Famous Nerds Will They Drag In For Cameos This Season? **; You've Got to Admire CBS For Squeezing One More Season Out, Like Piss Through a Narrow Urethra
NBC - Remember When Good Comedies Died Gracefully?; Remember When NBC Had Good Comedies?
FOX - We're Just Waiting To See If Vanilla Ice Will Be a Judge on American Idol
CW - Children Of The Night, What Music They Make
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

ABC - Pull the Plug--For the Love of God, Pull the Plug
CBS - He Knows--Don't Go Home
NBC - See NBC, Thursday, 8:00; Is It Too Late For Ron Swanson to Run As an Independent Presidential Candidate?
FOX - Even Jane Lynch Looks Bored With This Crap
CW - This Will Just Not Score/Ratings That It Seeks/Though It's Not On Yet/I Will Make a Bet/Show's Gone In Three Weeks
FX - It Looks Like He Really Is Winning
Smile Of a Child TV - This Is An Actual Network of Christian Children's Programming--At 9:00, It's Grandfather Reads ***
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - Makes Me Nostalgic for George C. Scott in Mr. President
CBS - Miss Marple 3.0
NBC - In Lieu of Actual Programming, Let's Listen to the Wind Whistle Through Brian Williams' Ears
MTV - Oh, You Endlessly Fascinating Reality Flotsam; Oh, You Endlessly Fascinating Teens
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

FRIDAY

8-9

ABC - Three-Camera Family Show #341887; Three-Camera Family Show #72213458
CBS - CSI: Waterloo Bridge
NBC - See CBS, Monday, 9:00; It's Betta With Meta
FOX - Reach Out, Reach Out and Bore Someone
CW - Oh, You Endlessly Fascinating Emaciated Human Mannequins
HGTV - I'd Suggest Black Curtains, Goodbye Windows, No Gold Pavements
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

ABC - Last Season, There Was a Guy Who Made Stuff Out of Chopsticks
CBS - Class Conflict a Go Go With a Generous Helping of 99 Percent-Infused Sass!
NBC - One of the Actors On This Show Appeared In a College Play My Friend Wrote and Directed--Small World, Huh?
FOX - I Should Probably Watch This Before It's Gone But I'm So Far Behind And I Can't Work a DVR So Forget It
CW - Crix Picks? Chick's Kicks!
TruTV - People Play Charades While Acid Is Thrown In Their Faces
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - 20/20: Smooth or Chunky?
CBS - Apparently, Tom Selleck Dyes His Hair With the Same Stuff John Travolta Uses
NBC - A Dateline NBC Investigation: Why Does Love Got to Be So Sad?
Travel Channel - Harry Houdini Kicks Amy Allan's Ass
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

SATURDAY

8-9

ABC - Insert Penn State Joke Here
CBS - The Chimp From The Barefoot Executive Is Now Programming Saturday Nights
NBC - I Bet All of You Who Were Bitching Non-Stop About the Olympics Coverage Are Having Second Thoughts Right About Now, Huh?
FOX - This Show Can't Die...Not On My Watch. Not On My Watch!!
Animal Planet - Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombats Do the Craziest Things
Nat Geo Wild - The Banana Slug Whisperer
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

CBS - Oh, Well...Only Two Hours Until Local News
NBC - With Haley McForrestal and the Weather!
FOX - And George Minneola on Sports!
OWN - I've Had Sex With More People Than Have Watched Anything On This Network
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - Sorry, But If You're Home on Saturday, You Deserve What You Get
CBS - Have You Tried OKCupid?
NBC - Or Chemistry.com?
CMT - 12 Steps of Lard
Spike - Haven't Seen Independence Day Lately? Boy, Are You In For a Treat ****
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC - All the King's Horses/And All the King's Men/Just Couldn't Get Me/To Watch This Again
CBS - We Have Now Officially Run Out of Countries And Will Instead Be Going to Water Theme Parks
NBC - As a Miami Dolphins Fan, I Must Respectfully Pass On This in Silence
FOX - Who Knows What Adventures They'll Have Between Now and When The Show Is No Longer Profitable?; I Love This Show
Discovery - As I Type This, Only 343 Days Left Until Shark Week!
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

9 - 10

ABC - As Long As She's Going After Rich Assholes, Can She Swing By Los Angeles and Deal With Some TV Executives I've Known?
CBS - Oh, You Endlessly Fascinating Lawyers
FOX - Seth MacFarlane's Satan-Sanctified Career Continues With Apparently No End In Sight; See Fox, Sunday, 9:00
AMC - Is It Too Late For Michonne to Run As an Independent Presidential Candidate?
HBO - You Should Have Seen the Atlantic Ocean In Those Days
Spike - Peep Booth Rescue
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

10 - 11

ABC - So, Does the Living Room Hellmouth Open and Close Easily?
CBS - In Case You're Keeping Track, This Is Now In Its Fifth Season
Bravo - The Real Housewives of The Black Lagoon
Showtime - Can We Just Have an Hour of Claire Danes' Outtakes From That 2007 Gap Commercial?
CNN - Anderson Cooper Shames Everyone In the World For Being So Mean

** I'm thinking Urkel, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Wes Anderson
*** Grandfather has a sidekick named Pedro, the Poetry Parrot
**** The 1996 one about aliens, not the one with Kathleen Quinlan and Dianne Wiest