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Spencer Green

Spencer Green

Posted April 26, 2009 | 08:29 PM (EST)

"First 100 Days" Coverage May Result in Rectal Bleeding


Doctors warn that reading or viewing too many news articles and stories about President Obama's first 100 days in office may lead, among other things, to aneurysms, heart attacks, spontaneous abortions, rectal bleeding, and whooping cough. "Tests indicate that prolonged exposure to this so-called 'news coverage' has grave consequences," says Dr. Tanner Gidlen of the Institute for Presidential-Related Journalistic Damages. "Several cases of swine flu in California are actually reactions to stories about the President's first 100 days."

The tradition of a President's first 100 days began with Franklin Delano Roosevelt and the actions he took upon entering office in 1933 to deal with the Great Depression. Since that time, according to historian and hand model Bernard Bernard, the phrase "first 100 days" has now lost all meaning. "This is the political equivalent of a money shot for many writers and pundits," says Bernard, "as they champ at the bit, waiting for that glorious moment to spooge their hackneyed examinations and insights about an administration's progress or even worse, writing essays on how relevant such articles still are or how irrelevant such articles have become to justify writing them in the first place."

As the inevitable cycle for these articles has continued, so has the expectation for them, which has lead to dire physical ramifications. "It's pure journalistic olestra," says Dr. Samuel Juitier of the Society for Endocrinology and Orange-Coated Fast Foods. "The consistent barrage of 'first 100 days'-related news goes through people so quickly that their heads and now their bodies are unable to properly absorb or digest it all. 'First 100 days' stories look and may even sound nutritious and have the surface appeal that the best news articles provide but really, they're just plain unhealthy. Garbage, in fact."

In a bold experiment, famed documentary filmmaker and lightweight provocateur Morgan Spurlock attempted to subsist on a diet of nothing but "first 100 days" stories for 30 days. He had to stop after only four days because of the alarming and almost immediate results: dangerous mood swings, sexual dysfunction, extreme dehydration, kidney imbalance, chronic back pain, loss of body hair and blood, shortness of breath, hypovolemic shock, multiple organ failure, increased body fat, skin rashes, and flat feet. "Having voted for Obama, I thought this could never happen to me," said Spurlock in a phone interview, recovering in an ICU unit. "Clearly, the toll of the 'first 100 days' cuts across all political lines."

So, what is there to do? "No matter how great the temptation may be, just avoid anything having to do with analyses and summations of or ruminations about Obama's 'first 100 days,'" says Dr. Gidlen. "In fact, stop reading this article right now. Really. I'm serious. Right now. This article is part of the problem. What are you waiting for? For Christ's sake, isn't there a funny video or something else on The Huffington Post to waste your time?"