11/17/2009 06:04 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Khalid Soup

(INT. NEW YORK SOUTHERN DISTRICT COURTROOM - 2010 - Judge Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) is behind the bench, as U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara (Zeppo) and defense lawyers wait at their respective tables)

Judge Rittenhouse: Bring in Mr. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!

(Bailiff (Chico) brings in Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (Groucho), as the Court Reporter (Harpo) types on stenograph, rips paper out and eats it; cue music)

All: Hooray for Sheikh Mohammed, the terrorist colluder

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: So prove it, find Zapruder

All: Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Preet Bharara: At first he says he's blameless and then he says he's guilty

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'm Humbert, then I'm Quilty

All: Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: One morning I received $25,000 from Osama bin Laden in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.

Judge Rittenhouse: Mr. Mohammed, you are out of order!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Impossible. I bought a new box of order yesterday. Oh, Judge Rittenhouse--can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.

Judge Rittenhouse: But, I'm a judge and you're a soldier of Al Qaeda.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Al Qaeda, Al Jolson, Al Smith, who's to say?

(Court Reporter cuts up lawyers' documents with huge scissors)

Preet Bharara: Mr. Mohammed, you are charged with masterminding the attacks of 9/11 and if found guilty, you could face the death penalty.

Bailiff: I object!

Preet Bharara: You can't object--you're the bailiff.

Bailiff: I was feeling left out.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Objection sustained!

Preet Bharara: You can't sustain an objection!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: That's not what Judge Rittenhouse said last night.

Judge Rittenhouse: Well, I never!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: That's your problem.

(Spectators appear at door)

Spectators: May we come on in?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Sure, if in likes that sort of thing.

Preet Bharara: Mr. Mohammed, do you plead guilty or not?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'd like to plead guilty, but then my argument won't be viable.

Bailiff: Why a bull?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'm all right, thank you. I say my argument won't be viable.

Bailiff: All right. Why a bull? Why-a-no-rhinocerous?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I don't know why-a-no-rhinocerous. I'm vegetarian, myself.

(Reporters, cameramen, photographers appear at door)

Reporters/Cameramen/Photographers: Media!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Really? Me Khalid.

(People climb on top of each other as courtroom fills up; Court Reporter chases female spectators)

Judge Rittenhouse: This trial is turning into a farce! Court Reporter, I insist you resume typing at once!

(Court Reporter types "at once", shows it to Judge Rittenhouse, lights it with a blow-torch, chases more women; Government officials enter, join crowd)

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I've seen less people at the Sultan Ahmed Mosque.

(Muslim Man appears at door)

Muslim Man: Are my wives in here?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: You never know. Try the judge's chambers, but buy her a drink first.

Judge Rittenhouse: Sir, you have the advantage of me.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Not yet, but wait 'til I get you back in my cell. You're the most beautiful judge I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for your legal system.

(EXT. COURTROOM - Attorney General Eric Holder opens door, everyone tumbles out)

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Mr. Attorney General, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy and he says to please keep it--it's an improvement. (to camera) Did I mention, death to America? And two falafels.

(Court Reporter honks his horn)

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Make that three falafels.