(INT. NEW YORK SOUTHERN DISTRICT COURTROOM - 2010 - Judge Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) is behind the bench, as U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara (Zeppo) and defense lawyers wait at their respective tables)
Judge Rittenhouse: Bring in Mr. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!
(Bailiff (Chico) brings in Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (Groucho), as the Court Reporter (Harpo) types on stenograph, rips paper out and eats it; cue music)
All: Hooray for Sheikh Mohammed, the terrorist colluder
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: So prove it, find Zapruder
All: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Preet Bharara: At first he says he's blameless and then he says he's guilty
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'm Humbert, then I'm Quilty
All: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: One morning I received $25,000 from Osama bin Laden in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.
Judge Rittenhouse: Mr. Mohammed, you are out of order!
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Impossible. I bought a new box of order yesterday. Oh, Judge Rittenhouse--can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.
Judge Rittenhouse: But, I'm a judge and you're a soldier of Al Qaeda.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Al Qaeda, Al Jolson, Al Smith, who's to say?
(Court Reporter cuts up lawyers' documents with huge scissors)
Preet Bharara: Mr. Mohammed, you are charged with masterminding the attacks of 9/11 and if found guilty, you could face the death penalty.
Bailiff: I object!
Preet Bharara: You can't object--you're the bailiff.
Bailiff: I was feeling left out.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Objection sustained!
Preet Bharara: You can't sustain an objection!
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: That's not what Judge Rittenhouse said last night.
Judge Rittenhouse: Well, I never!
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: That's your problem.
(Spectators appear at door)
Spectators: May we come on in?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Sure, if in likes that sort of thing.
Preet Bharara: Mr. Mohammed, do you plead guilty or not?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'd like to plead guilty, but then my argument won't be viable.
Bailiff: Why a bull?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I'm all right, thank you. I say my argument won't be viable.
Bailiff: All right. Why a bull? Why-a-no-rhinocerous?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I don't know why-a-no-rhinocerous. I'm vegetarian, myself.
(Reporters, cameramen, photographers appear at door)
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Really? Me Khalid.
(People climb on top of each other as courtroom fills up; Court Reporter chases female spectators)
Judge Rittenhouse: This trial is turning into a farce! Court Reporter, I insist you resume typing at once!
(Court Reporter types "at once", shows it to Judge Rittenhouse, lights it with a blow-torch, chases more women; Government officials enter, join crowd)
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: I've seen less people at the Sultan Ahmed Mosque.
(Muslim Man appears at door)
Muslim Man: Are my wives in here?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: You never know. Try the judge's chambers, but buy her a drink first.
Judge Rittenhouse: Sir, you have the advantage of me.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Not yet, but wait 'til I get you back in my cell. You're the most beautiful judge I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for your legal system.
(EXT. COURTROOM - Attorney General Eric Holder opens door, everyone tumbles out)
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Mr. Attorney General, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy and he says to please keep it--it's an improvement. (to camera) Did I mention, death to America? And two falafels.
(Court Reporter honks his horn)
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Make that three falafels.