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I'm So Really, Truly Sorry: The 24-Hour Apology Cable Channel

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MONDAY

8:00am -- Sincere or Insincere: Biochemically Analyzing Melissa Harris-Perry's Tears

1:00pm -- Learning How to Pre-Apologize for Something Stupid You Will Tweet in the Next Ten Minutes

2:00pm -- What the Top Politicians Will Wear This Spring When They Admit to Banging Interns

3:00pm -- Tips on Saying "I'm Sorry" Without Saying "I'm Sorry"

5:00pm -- Breaking News: A&E Apologizes for Surprising Controversial Remarks From Stars of New Show We Love Adolf Hitler and Everything He Stood For

8:00pm -- Shia LaBeouf Plagiarizes Nixon's "Checkers" Speech

9:00pm -- Mark Souder, Eric Massa, Tom Feeney, and Larry Craig Travel In a Van, Fighting Crime and Apologizing to Random Strangers

10:00pm -- America Apologizes for Dennis Rodman

TUESDAY

8:00am -- How Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner Had Shame Surgically Removed From Themselves

12:00pm -- Martin Bashir Auditions for QVC

1:00pm -- Adventures in Creative Preemptive Apologetic Career Saving With Chris Christie

2:00pm -- Regrets vs. Mistakes vs. Sorries: What You Absolutely Need to Know

4:00pm -- Megyn Kelly Apologizes for Mother Goose Welfare Fraud Slur

5:00pm -- Breaking News: A&E Apologizes for Surprising Controversial Remarks From Stars of New Show Pol Pot Didn't Go Far Enough, Who's With Us?

8:00pm -- Martin Bashir Apologizes for Comparing Judith Ripka Stainless Steel and Pearlized Silicone Strap Watches to Darfur

9:00pm -- Making Apologies That Mean Nothing to People Pretending to Accept Them

10:00pm -- After the Press Conference: Politicians' Wives' Greatest Bleeps, Bloops, Blaps, and Blunders

WEDNESDAY

8:00am -- This Just In: Someone Inadvertently Offends Someone Else, Then Apologizes

12:00pm -- Jay Carney Apologizes for His Beard

1:00pm -- This Just In: Someone Else Does Not Accept Someone's Apology, Demands New One

2:00pm -- Saying You're Sorry When Love Means Never Having to Say It

3:00pm -- This Just In: Someone Refuses to Apologize to Someone Else Again, Takes Back Original Apology, Intentionally Offends Someone Else

5:00pm -- Crossing the Line With Mark Sanford

8:00pm -- This Just In: Someone Else Reconsiders, Apologizes for Failing to Accept Someone's Original Apology; Someone Apologizes for Making Someone Else Apologize for Someone's Apology

9:00pm -- Shia LaBeouf Plagiarizes Jason Giambi's Steroid Apology

10:00pm -- This Just In: Someone Inadvertently Offends Someone Else, Then Apologizes

THURSDAY

8:00am -- Atoning With the Stars!

12:00pm -- Nicolas Cage Apologizes for Every Film He Has Made Since Adaptation.

1:00pm -- Putting the "Con" Into Contrite

2:00pm -- Justine Sacco Learns She May Be One-Eighth Black

3:00pm -- Insert Alec Baldwin/Paula Deen Joke of Your Choice Here

5:00pm -- Obama Is Sorry For Saying Anything in Front of Robert Gates

8:00pm -- Making Friends by Making Amends

9:00pm -- Breaking News: A&E Apologizes for Surprising Controversial Remarks From Stars of New Show Sure We Like Beating Our Kids -- What's It To You?

10:00pm -- Dr. Remorse Recommends 5 CC's of Self-Reproach -- Stat!

FRIDAY

8:00am -- Exquisitely Timing Your Apologies, With Lance Armstrong, Marion Jones, and Alex Rodriguez

1:00pm -- Everyone on Facebook Apologizes to Everyone on Instagram

2:00pm -- It's Not You, It's Me **

3:00pm -- Bill Clinton: Say It, Then Move On Like a Pro

5:00pm -- Everyone on Instagram Apologizes to Everyone on Snapchat

8:00pm -- John Edwards: Apologizing and Looking Good When You're Doing It

9:00pm -- Todd Akin: My Comments On "Need For Immediate Global Genocide" Taken Out of Context

10:00pm -- Everyone on Snapchat Apologizes to Everyone on Vine

SATURDAY

Loop of Jimmy Swaggart Saying "I Have Sinned"

SUNDAY

8:00am -- Morning Confession With Tickles, the Penitent Bear

1:00pm -- Domino's: We're Sorry Our Pizza Still Tastes Like Crap

2:00pm -- Confession: It's Good For the Soul and For the Book You'll Eventually Write About Your Transgressions

3:00pm -- The Fault, Dear Brutus, Is Not In Our Stars But In Our Fucking 24-Hour News Cycle and All Who Encourage It

5:00pm -- CNN Apologizes for Broadcasting Actual News and Promises It Will Never Ever Happen Again

7:00pm -- Somehow, Dr. Drew Pinsky Turns This All Into a TV Show

8:00pm -- I Apologize, Wholeheartedly and Profusely, For This Blog

10:00pm - No, I Don't

** (it's you)