Michele Bachmann Counseling Clinic Encouraged Male Seahorses to Go Straight

Bachmann & Associates, Inc., the counseling clinic run by Republican Presidential contender Michele Bachmann and her husband Marcus, reportedly advised male seahorses to convert from gay to straight. Ms. Bachmann's views on homosexuality as it pertains to seahorses are unclear, but she was quoted in a 2004 address to the religious group Christ for Crustaceans as saying, "Male seahorses need to be educated to live and act as upright as they swim." **

Although male seahorses are born with brood pouches into which female seahorses deposit eggs, counselors at Bachmann & Associates, Inc. have reportedly told male seahorses that the pouch is actually a choice, not a biological trait. Julian, a seahorse who attended the clinic, claims a counselor assured him that he could rid himself of unnatural aquatically-related homosexual urges through prayer, effort, and Bible study. "I told him I wasn't even gay to begin with," says Julian. "But the counselor said, 'Then you have seen the light and our work is done.'"

When asked about proof of God's views of homosexuality in male seahorses, Biblical scholar Marshall Drummond quoted the passage: "And if a male seahorse lie with a male seahorse, as with female seahorses, both of them have committed marine abomination; their blood shall be upon their bony plates and prehensile tails." When it was pointed out that this is not in the Bible, Drummond responded, "It's a really, really new version."

Representatives of Bachmann & Associates, Inc. have refused to discuss the controversy, claiming client-fish confidentiality. Sebastian, a delightful Caribbean-accented crab who lives under the sea, is dubious of the whole matter, noting, "I have often told my male seahorse friends: 'Don't stop now/Don't try to hide it how/You want to kiss the girl...or boy.'"

**Christ for Crustaceans had no comment when alerted that seahorses are actually fish.