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Newt Gingrich's Ego Escapes, Ravages Countryside

Posted: 12/02/11 02:19 PM ET

The massive ego of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has broken free from an undisclosed scientific observation post and gone on a merciless rampage across the United States. "People thought this kind of thing could never happen again in the 21st century," said researcher Milton Joolep. "I warned them that it was only a matter of time, I warned them that the security was too lax, but they laughed at me. They laughed! Well, who's laughing now?"

Since Gingrich's rise to the front of the Republican presidential hopefuls, his ego had struggled to remain in check but this week, it had had enough and escaped, demolishing an electrical power grid in Iowa, setting fire to Congaree National Park in South Carolina, and crushing a bus of school children in Florida. "I've never seen anything like it," said bus driver Sheila Sanchez-Talmidge. "It was insatiable, with a confidence that quickly turned into arrogance, destroying everything in its path... and yet, I couldn't look away. Oh God, the horror! The horror!"

Scientists and the military hope that Gingrich's ego can be contained before it causes even more serious damage and do not rule out the use of tactical nuclear weapons in New Hampshire. In the meantime, Americans are advised not to attempt to engage Gingrich's ego directly and, as Mitt Romney urges: "Watch the skies, everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!"