10/08/2013 07:19 pm ET Updated Dec 08, 2013

Obama Ignores Republicans, Focuses on Healing Miley Cyrus-Sinead O'Connor Rift

As the government shutdown continues, President Obama has decided to ignore House and Senate Republicans and focus his energy on bringing an end to the much more pressing battle between singers Miley Cyrus and Sinead O'Connor. "The President simply cannot allow this petty bickering to continue any further and cause untold harm to millions of prostitutes and mental health workers," said White House spokesperson Wilfred Dannjurgen. "All we want is to break their walls before they wreck the American people."

Secretary of State John Kerry has been sent to negotiate a truce between Cyrus and O'Connor, following word that Russian and Syrian envoys were secretly being dispatched to talk with the two singers first. "A tentative framework is being discussed which could end the hostilities," said Kerry. In addition, a team of United Nations inspectors will be formed to monitor all of Cyrus' and O'Connor's future tweets, Facebook letters and twerking, along with videos involving Cyrus licking jigsaws, lawn mowers, or adjustable spanners.

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