09/24/2010 08:38 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Shocking Revelations for Last Week of Cathy Comic Strips

- Cathy admits brief affair she had with Uncle Duke in 1970s while substituting as his interpreter in China

- Best friend Andrea leaves husband, joins biker gang, becomes property of Peppermint Patty

- Due to a printing error, newspapers ran the same exact strip from 1985 through 1999; no one noticed

- Cathy visits Rex Morgan, M.D., is diagnosed with Moebius syndrome

- Glenn Beck traces Cathy exclamation "Ack!" to early Freemason chant and Illuminati codes, links this to rise of Marxism, American Communist Party, and President Obama, noting on chalkboard that "You can't spell Barack without 'ack'"

- Stylist gives Cathy a different hairdo, triggering new eruption of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland

- Irving's love of computer golf actually a cover for his involvement in online Thai underage sex club

- Cathy is trapped by falling display case at 80 percent-off shoe sale; happily uses opportunity to cut off leg and save time dieting

- Delightful appearance by Betty White

- Whole thing was just a bad dream of Nemo in Slumberland

- Cathy becomes whistle-blower at Product Testing, Inc. after she discovers company has secretly been working for years with Cadbury, Hershey's, Nestle, Russell Stover, and Phillip Morris to turn chocolate into nicotine delivery system

- Department of Energy uses Cathy's whining to power several U.S. cities

- Mrs. Voorhees reveals her son Jason drowned at Camp Crystal Lake while Cathy was having sex with a counselor

- Irving's and Cathy's planned orgy with Hi and Lois goes terribly awry

- Cathy finds perfect swimsuit but, in freak Twilight Zone ending, can't take it off and must wear it throughout eternity