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Sneak Preview: The Oprah Winfrey Network

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Before Oprah Winfrey's last daily show airs in September 2011, she will premiere The Oprah Winfrey Network. Via spies at Harpo Productions, here is a preview of the bold and innovative programming that network with feature:

MONDAY

8:00am - Grief Counselors Prepare You For Oprah's Regular Show Leaving the Air (call 1-800 NO OPRAH)

1:00pm - Everyone Watching Gets a Free City in Montana

2:00pm - Oprah's Book Club: Author Ricky Van Hallup's My Heart Is Heavy With Almightiness

3:00pm - Life Lessons With Tickles, the Self-Actualizing Bear

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Nobody Leaves Until Everyone Is Equally Empowered

7:00pm - Gayle King Does Whatever It Is That She Does

8:00pm - Dr. Oz Boards the Proteus, Journeys Through Al Sharpton's Colon **

10:00pm - The Exploiting Family Tragedies Hour

TUESDAY

8:00am - Wake Up and Embody Your Beliefs!

12:00pm - The Dr. Phil Unctuous Colloquialism Hour

1:00pm - Become Addicted to Eliminating Your Addictions

2:00pm - Oprah's Book Club: Author Florence Peete Kaslington's "I Made All This Shit Up to Get on 'Oprah's Book Club'"

3:00pm - The Adventures of Brock Feather, Life Coach and Hand Model

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Guys Who Leave the Toilet Seat Up--Am I Right, People?

7:00pm - The Oprah's Podiatrist Show

8:00pm - Special O Report: Oprah Builds a School Made Out of Cheese Because She Can

10:00pm - No Matter How Good You Think Your Relationship Is, It Really Sucks

WEDNESDAY

8:00am - Good Morning, Uniqueness!

12:00pm - Healthy Cookin' With Chef Happy World: Vegan Chili Simmered in Kenyan Tribesmen's Tears

1:00pm - Sistah Woman Girlfriend! Girlfriend Sistah Woman! (UPN unaired pilot)

2:00pm - Oprah's Food Club: Beets!!

3:00pm - Financial Tips From Someone Who Makes More Money Than You

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Gained Three Pounds But Then I Lost Five! Yay!

7:00pm - The Oprah's Masseuse Show

8:00pm - Special O Movie: "Beleaguered Gloria's Arduous But Ultimately Inspiring Triumph Over Adversity" (Robin Givens, LL Cool J, Clint Howard)

10:00pm - Caulking Those Emotional States After You've Eliminated Them

THURSDAY

8:00am - Rise, Shine, and Unleash...Your Potential, That Is!

12:00pm - Trevor P. Dollbane, Volvox Whisperer

1:00pm - Finding Gifts for People Who Are Already Empowered

2:00pm - Oprah's Fun and Games Club: Mumbly Pegs

3:00pm - Afterschool Special: "Judy Blume's Are You There God, Because I'm Seriously Menstruating" (repeat, 1975; Jodie Foster, Ike Eisenmann, Clu Gulager)

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Steadman Graham Is an Animatronic Puppet

7:00pm - The Oprah's Cousin Lenny Who Does Hilarious Impressions Show

8:00pm - Special O Report: Judging People In a Non-Judgmental Way

10:00pm - Build Your Self-Esteem, You Fucking Worm!

FRIDAY

8:00am - Wake Up and Repeatedly Love Yourself!

1:00pm - Game ShO: The $20,000 Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid

2:00pm - Oprah's Club Sandwich Club: Try Salmon Instead of Chicken or Turkey! Yum!

3:00pm - Beauty Tips From Someone Who Is More Attractive Than You

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Now Own Mars

7:00pm - The Some Woman Oprah Once Met at the Grocery Store Show

8:00pm - Maya Angelou's Extreme Poetry Smackdown

10:00pm - We Squeeze Tears From Personal Woes Like Ducks In a Press

SATURDAY

8:00am - Tom Cruise and Xenu's Crazy Cartoon Playhouse

1:00pm - Have You Positively Reinforced Anyone Today, Jerk?

2:00pm - Oprah's Ecology Club: Making Over Self-Righteous Eco-Makeovers

3:00pm - We Plug the Extra Special Director's Cut DVD of "Precious," Now With Twenty Percent More Abuse!

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Not Forgiving Others Will Kill You

7:00pm - Tapping Your Creativity Through Reliance On Other People's Superior Thoughts and Ideas

8:00pm - Oprah and Julia Roberts Bask In Their Own Wonderfulness

10:00pm - Anything the Discovery Channel Had Sitting Around

SUNDAY

8:00am - The Tweedle Bunny, Raggedy Dill, and Captain Spanky's Sunday Morning Positive Body Image Show

1:00pm - The Oprah Football League (OFL): Football Players Discuss What It Feels Like -- Really Feels Like -- to Tackle Somebody And How This Kind of Behavior Is Causing Excessive Aggression, Anxiety, and Low Self-Esteem In Our Children and Dear God, When Will It Stop? WHEN WILL IT STOP?!!

3:00pm - Dr. Significant's Life Journeys to InnerHappinessLand

5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Saw a Card at the Store This Morning And It Had a Cat On It That Was Really Cute

7:00pm - Life Enhancers with Dr. Purpose

8:00pm - Special O Movie: "I Graduated From Poverty With a Ph.D In Love: The Rachel Aston Story" (Queen Latifah, Billy Dee Williams, Valerie Bertinelli)

10:00pm - Empathy League of America

** contains adult material