Before Oprah Winfrey's last daily show airs in September 2011, she will premiere The Oprah Winfrey Network. Via spies at Harpo Productions, here is a preview of the bold and innovative programming that network with feature:
8:00am - Grief Counselors Prepare You For Oprah's Regular Show Leaving the Air (call 1-800 NO OPRAH)
1:00pm - Everyone Watching Gets a Free City in Montana
2:00pm - Oprah's Book Club: Author Ricky Van Hallup's My Heart Is Heavy With Almightiness
3:00pm - Life Lessons With Tickles, the Self-Actualizing Bear
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Nobody Leaves Until Everyone Is Equally Empowered
7:00pm - Gayle King Does Whatever It Is That She Does
8:00pm - Dr. Oz Boards the Proteus, Journeys Through Al Sharpton's Colon **
10:00pm - The Exploiting Family Tragedies Hour
8:00am - Wake Up and Embody Your Beliefs!
12:00pm - The Dr. Phil Unctuous Colloquialism Hour
1:00pm - Become Addicted to Eliminating Your Addictions
2:00pm - Oprah's Book Club: Author Florence Peete Kaslington's "I Made All This Shit Up to Get on 'Oprah's Book Club'"
3:00pm - The Adventures of Brock Feather, Life Coach and Hand Model
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Guys Who Leave the Toilet Seat Up--Am I Right, People?
7:00pm - The Oprah's Podiatrist Show
8:00pm - Special O Report: Oprah Builds a School Made Out of Cheese Because She Can
10:00pm - No Matter How Good You Think Your Relationship Is, It Really Sucks
8:00am - Good Morning, Uniqueness!
12:00pm - Healthy Cookin' With Chef Happy World: Vegan Chili Simmered in Kenyan Tribesmen's Tears
1:00pm - Sistah Woman Girlfriend! Girlfriend Sistah Woman! (UPN unaired pilot)
2:00pm - Oprah's Food Club: Beets!!
3:00pm - Financial Tips From Someone Who Makes More Money Than You
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Gained Three Pounds But Then I Lost Five! Yay!
7:00pm - The Oprah's Masseuse Show
8:00pm - Special O Movie: "Beleaguered Gloria's Arduous But Ultimately Inspiring Triumph Over Adversity" (Robin Givens, LL Cool J, Clint Howard)
10:00pm - Caulking Those Emotional States After You've Eliminated Them
8:00am - Rise, Shine, and Unleash...Your Potential, That Is!
12:00pm - Trevor P. Dollbane, Volvox Whisperer
1:00pm - Finding Gifts for People Who Are Already Empowered
2:00pm - Oprah's Fun and Games Club: Mumbly Pegs
3:00pm - Afterschool Special: "Judy Blume's Are You There God, Because I'm Seriously Menstruating" (repeat, 1975; Jodie Foster, Ike Eisenmann, Clu Gulager)
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Steadman Graham Is an Animatronic Puppet
7:00pm - The Oprah's Cousin Lenny Who Does Hilarious Impressions Show
8:00pm - Special O Report: Judging People In a Non-Judgmental Way
10:00pm - Build Your Self-Esteem, You Fucking Worm!
8:00am - Wake Up and Repeatedly Love Yourself!
1:00pm - Game ShO: The $20,000 Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid
2:00pm - Oprah's Club Sandwich Club: Try Salmon Instead of Chicken or Turkey! Yum!
3:00pm - Beauty Tips From Someone Who Is More Attractive Than You
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Now Own Mars
7:00pm - The Some Woman Oprah Once Met at the Grocery Store Show
8:00pm - Maya Angelou's Extreme Poetry Smackdown
10:00pm - We Squeeze Tears From Personal Woes Like Ducks In a Press
8:00am - Tom Cruise and Xenu's Crazy Cartoon Playhouse
1:00pm - Have You Positively Reinforced Anyone Today, Jerk?
2:00pm - Oprah's Ecology Club: Making Over Self-Righteous Eco-Makeovers
3:00pm - We Plug the Extra Special Director's Cut DVD of "Precious," Now With Twenty Percent More Abuse!
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: Not Forgiving Others Will Kill You
7:00pm - Tapping Your Creativity Through Reliance On Other People's Superior Thoughts and Ideas
8:00pm - Oprah and Julia Roberts Bask In Their Own Wonderfulness
10:00pm - Anything the Discovery Channel Had Sitting Around
8:00am - The Tweedle Bunny, Raggedy Dill, and Captain Spanky's Sunday Morning Positive Body Image Show
1:00pm - The Oprah Football League (OFL): Football Players Discuss What It Feels Like -- Really Feels Like -- to Tackle Somebody And How This Kind of Behavior Is Causing Excessive Aggression, Anxiety, and Low Self-Esteem In Our Children and Dear God, When Will It Stop? WHEN WILL IT STOP?!!
3:00pm - Dr. Significant's Life Journeys to InnerHappinessLand
5:00pm - Oprah Headline News: I Saw a Card at the Store This Morning And It Had a Cat On It That Was Really Cute
7:00pm - Life Enhancers with Dr. Purpose
8:00pm - Special O Movie: "I Graduated From Poverty With a Ph.D In Love: The Rachel Aston Story" (Queen Latifah, Billy Dee Williams, Valerie Bertinelli)
10:00pm - Empathy League of America
** contains adult material