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The Last Episode of Lost (Warning! Fake Spoiler Alert!)

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(EXT. ISLAND JUNGLE - JACK and HURLEY face EVIL JOHN LOCKE and JACOB.)

Evil John Locke: Jack, all you have to do is trust me and we can get off this island.

Jacob: No, Jack, trust me.

(DR. CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD appears in a giant bubble.)

Jack: Dad?

Christian Shephard: Son, you've had the power to redeem your life and get off this island all along. Just click your heels three times and say, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Evil John Locke: No! He's lying! Clicking your heels will doom us all!

Hurley: Dude, maybe Locke wants you to click your heels. Or, maybe he wants you to not think he doesn't want you to click your heels. Or, maybe he wants you to think he doesn't not think--

Jacob: You must make a choice. As we all must do.

Jack: (clicking heels) There's no place like home...there's no place like home...

(Jack rises in air, looks below to see "GOODBYE" spelled out in rocks.)

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. BEDROOM - John Locke wakes up in bed, turns on light.)

John Locke: Honey, you won't believe the dream I just had.

(Reveal EMILY HARTLEY in bed with John Locke.)

Emily Hartley: All right, John, what is it?

John Locke: I was in a plane that crashed onto an island. Nothing made sense in this place. I was in a wheelchair, but then I could walk. I was killed and reborn, but it wasn't really me. And there were polar bears and hatches and philosophical ramblings that seemed to go on for years...

Emily Hartley: That's it. No more wild boar before bed.

(Enter LARRY and DARRYL, wearing DHARMA Initiative jumpsuits.)

Larry: Hi, I'm Larry. And this is my brother Darryl.

John Locke: Where's your other brother Darryl?

Larry: He turned into a giant column of smoke which could be a gateway for the dead, a physical manifestation of all evil in the world, or a nexus between faith and thought. Whatever it is, it's sure helping us get rid of termites.

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(EXT. TOP OF TOWER AT AMUSEMENT PARK - KATE faces a ONE-ARMED MAN, holding a gun. The one-armed man is shot, falls off the tower. Kate looks down to see LT. JAMES FORD, holding a smoking gun.)

Lt. James Ford: You're a free woman now, Freckles.

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. BAR - DESMOND, behind the bar, and CHARLIE PACE are smoking cigars.)

Charlie Pace: You know what the most important thing in life is? It's love.

Desmond: What about beer?

Charlie Pace: Well, if you insist...

(Desmond pours Charlie a glass of beer, Charlie downs it.)

Charlie Pace: What was I saying?

Desmond: The most important thing in life is love.

Charlie Pace: Love? I meant Lovecraft. H.P. Lovecraft. Love is almost as stupid and worthless as destiny!

(Charlie exits, muttering to himself, then dramatically presses his hand against the bar window. It reads: "PICK UP LAUNDRY.")

Desmond: I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on Earth.

(A CUSTOMER knocks on the door.)

Desmond: Sorry, mate... we're closed.

(The customer turns away. Reveal it is PENNY WIDMORE.)

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. UNITED NATIONS - SAYID shakes hands with PRESIDENT ALLISON TAYLOR.)

President Taylor: You've saved the world from nuclear destruction, salvaged the peace talks, decapitated President Logan, and shown me the errors of my ways.

Sayid: I was just doing my job.

President Taylor: I wish you the happiness and peace of mind that have been so elusive and that you truly deserve.

Sayid: Madame President, all I want to do is join my daughter and granddaughter who are waiting for me.

(Sayid looks out window, sees daughter KIM and granddaughter TERI waving to him from a car below. They are immediately killed by sniper fire, Sidewinder missiles, a cougar, and a giant weight marked "16 TONS". )

Sayid: Dammit!!

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. U.S.S. ENTERPRISE TRANSPORTER ROOM - UHURA, DR. MCCOY, and Hurley beam into the mirror universe; MR. KYLE and bearded MR. SPOCK salute Hurley.)

Hurley: Dude, did any of the Treks end this way?

Dr. McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a cultural historian.

(DANIEL FARADAY, in engineering uniform, enters.)

Faraday: The two-way matter transmission affected the local field density between the universes and it's increasing. If you don't get out now, you never will.

(LIBBY SMITH enters, wearing beehive hairdo and midriff-exposing uniform.)

Libby (to Hurley): I am your new Captain's woman.

Hurley: Uh... you know what? I have no problem staying here.

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. ROCKET CONTROL ROOM - BENJAMIN LINUS, in black suit and shirt with #6 on it, enters room filled with globes of the world. He sees a HOODED MAN, wearing a mask and a robe with #1 on it, as a video of DR. PIERRE CHANG plays on a monitor.)

Dr. Chang (on monitor): I will not be filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I...I...I...

(Ben grabs the mask off the hooded man, revealing a chimpanzee mask. Ben rips that mask off, revealing Ben's own face. Ben rips that face off, revealing the faces of John Locke, ROGER LINUS, ALEX ROUSSEAU, and finally, STEVE LAWRENCE and EYDIE GORME.)

Steve/Eydie (singing): You're walkin' along the street or you're at a party/Or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig/You're looking in someone's eyes, you suddenly realize/This could be the start of something big...

Ben: NOOOOOOO!!

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. WJM-TV NEWSROOM - Sawyer, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Libby, Desmond, Charlie, and John Locke are gathered around each other.)

Kate: A family is people who make you feel less alone and really loved. Thank you for being my family.

(All group hug; Sawyer holds back tears.)

Sawyer: Son of a bitch--I need some Kleenex.

(All move, still hugging together en masse, to table for Kleenex.)

John Locke: I treasure you people.

All: (singing) It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go, it's a long way to Tipperary...

(The image vibrates...)

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. LIVING ROOM - SUN KWON is reading a newspaper with headline "OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 TAKES OFF AND LANDS VERY, VERY NORMALLY" while daughter JI YEON plays with a snow globe. JIN-SOO KWON enters and kisses Sun.)

Jin: (English sub-titles) Ji Yeon give you any trouble?

Sun: (English sub-titles) Been sitting that way since you left this morning. Just like every other day. In a world of her own.

Jin: (English sub-titles) I don't understand this autism. What does she think about?

(Ji Yeon, shakes the snow globe. Close on snow globe, with an island and Statue of Taweret on it inside.)

(flashback/flash-forward/flash-sideways transitional sound effect)

(INT. DINER - Jack and Kate sit at a booth with their three-year old son AARON. Jack selects "Make Your Own Kind of Music" on the jukebox.)

(Angle on CHARLES WIDMORE entering diner, sitting at counter.)

Jack: Where's Claire?

(Angle on RICHARD ALPERT, in a booth, drinking coffee, reading "Book of Laws.")

Kate: Claire's coming separately.

(EXT. DINER - CLAIRE, in her car, searches for a parking space.)

(INT. DINER - A WAITRESS brings a basket of onion rings to Jack's and Kate's table. Angle on CARLTON CUSE and DAMON LINDELOF, painted into a corner of the room.)

Kate: It's strange being back, isn't it?

(Angle on NIKKI FERNANDEZ and PAULO in a booth, laughing.)

Jack: I'm sure something will go wrong soon enough.

(Angle on MICHAEL DAWSON and MR. EKO entering the diner. Angle on Charles Widmore getting up from counter, passing Jack, going to bathroom.)

(EXT. DINER - Claire successfully parallel parks, gets out of car, heads to the diner.)

(INT. DINER - Angle on Jack looking up as someone enters the diner.)

(CUT TO BLACK)