Tired of Antagonizing People, Rick Santorum Attacks Inanimate Objects, Extraterrestrials

Having managed to successfully antagonize most people in the United States and Puerto Rico, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum is now concentrating on new targets, ranging from household appliances and office supplies to grouting tiles and extraterrestrials. "The real important dangers facing America are not as obvious as one would think," said Santorum campaign spokesperson Joshua Yellard. "And Senator Santorum is not afraid to defend American families from the threats of inanimate objects and otherworldly creatures."

At a campaign stop yesterday in Illinois, Santorum railed against microwave ovens and refrigerators, noting that the use of such appliances give housewives "a license to cook or prepare food that is counter to how things are supposed to be." He went on to attack blenders ("destroys the dignity of fruits and vegetables,"), liquid paper ("encourages a culture of easy mistakes,") and assailed the alphabet, for "providing instant access to letters that can lead to a pandemic of unnatural words."

Santorum also accused President Obama of being silent about impending arrivals from extraterrestrial beings. "They won't be cute like E.T., but will be evil like Predator," said Santorum. "And after they destroy us, they probably won't have the courtesy to learn our language." Says Yellard, "Santorum is simply saying what all of us have neither thought of nor particularly want to."