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Spencer Green

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How to Save the U.S. Postal Service

Posted: 09/06/11 07:00 PM ET

- Put hallucinogens in stamp adhesives to make sending mail fun again

- Updated hip-hop slogan: "Letters delivered on time without hitch/The mailman makes rain and snow his bitch"

- Release scientific study that proves e-mail makes you impotent

- Make mailmen wear Barbarella costumes

- Add more digits to zip codes, hide lottery numbers in them

- Create race of cybernetic carrier pigeons who will eventually rise up against their human masters in a trenchant lesson about the perils of technology and playing God

- Mr. Zip returns with new, dynamic backstory courtesy of Christopher Nolan

- New "What would Jesus mail?" stamps, with eyes that follow you when addressing envelopes

- Create a committee to investigate the problem, followed by a super committee to investigate the committee's failure to investigate the problem, followed by nothing

- Issue nostalgic collectors sheets of "Famous Post Office Rampages"

- Death Race-style intra-postal delivery zones, with exciting and competitive car chases, televised executions of slow postal carriers

- Every person who mails 20,000th letter or parcel gets coupon for free small Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki at Subway

- Something with 3-D because, man, 3-D makes everything better

- Same day delivery or your pizza is free! **

- Build miniature golf courses and Chuck E. Cheese's in post offices to encourage delightful family excursions

- Sabotage Jacquie Lawson e-cards with virus that makes Chudleigh rip open a deer's throat

- Whatever it is, make sure Jerry Lewis is involved this time

** assuming that day is on Pluto