10/21/2013 04:28 pm ET Updated Dec 21, 2013

White House Blames Obamacare Glitches on Innocence of Muslims

White House officials are blaming the numerous online technical glitches that have occurred since the rollout of Obamacare on the controversial anti-Islamic film Innocence of Muslims. "Clearly, the spontaneous demonstrations caused by this terrible film over a year ago have returned and intentionally targeted the federal website," said Anton Felluvius, the Wish It Away Czar, in a statement this morning. "There can be no other explanation for the system malfunctioning like it has. I repeat -- no other explanation."

Felluvius assured Americans that problems with the website will be dealt with once all the original people who reacted adversely to Innocence of Muslims are found and individually punished and not a moment sooner. "The continued fallout from those demonstrations has also made it impossible to determine just how many citizens have officially enrolled in Obamacare so far," added Felluvius. That number is currently estimated as being somewhere between 25 people and 40 billion people, depending on color of eyes and humidity.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, last seen hiding inside an elaborate pillow fort of her own design, could not be reached for comment.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.

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