08/10/2011 10:21 am ET Updated Oct 10, 2011

World Officially Goes to Hell, Handbasket Sustains Minor Injuries

After years of intense speculation, the world has officially gone to Hell via a giant woven handbasket, which absorbed its impact. "The world arrived in Hell intact," said Earth spokesperson Clair Mondrome. "And, fortunately, the traditional and sturdy Appalachian egg basket sustained only minor injuries to its handle when it broke the world's fall."

The passage of Earth to Hell was triggered by a combination of global economic crises, rioting and killing in numerous countries, and the fourth season of Jersey Shore. "We welcome your world and sincerely hope everyone has a long and fruitful stay here," said Milton LaTran, Hell's Operations Manager. "And on a personal note, you can't imagine how long we've been waiting for this to happen."

Once the world is safely removed from the handbasket's dense kudzu vines, officials will be charged with acclimating citizens to Hell's sulfuric atmosphere, teeth-gnashing, and the constant, unendurable pain that awaits them for all eternity. Mondrome commented, "Quite frankly, given everything that has been going on in the world, Hell will be a distinct relief."