The Yom Kippur fast is a sneaky one. The Jewish people were smart and decided to ease us into it by celebrating Rosh Hashanah the week prior. It's almost like they assumed the more food they could provide us with during that holiday, the less painful the lurking fast would be 10 days later.
Turns out it's not really less painful, because, like the hangover you're enduring in your 10 am lecture Friday morning after a Thursday night out, we all knew this was coming. How is it that just 10 days ago we were all blissfully enjoying endless amounts of challah, consuming more jars of honey than a drunk Winnie the Pooh and now we're fasting for 25 hours?
Yes 25 hours -- not 24, because the Jewish people weren't satisfied with the limits of a "normal" day, and thus, the extra hour of "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" nonsense resulted in a 25 hour fast. Talk about going above and beyond.
If you're looking for someone who feels your pain, I'm sure you have several friends enduring the same gnawing hunger inside of their abandoned abdomens. However, if you need a greater sense of communal misery beyond your usual circle during this hangry time, we turn to the only woman who can provide a voice of sanity and reason in crises like these: Amy Schumer.
Stage One: Extreme Confidence
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This is gonna be a freakin' breeze. You've juice cleansed, cabbage dieted and gone an entire day eating only, like, one Chipotle burrito and four pretzels once, so you're basically a pro. It's hour one and with g-d's blessing and your insane willpower, you are feeeeeeelin' it.
Stage Two: Lying to Yourself
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You're totally fine. Like, seriously, totally fine. You're not even hungry. Actually, you're full. You definitely woke up this morning and had breakfast and not just gulps of air. You're totally okay, you're more than okay -- you are absolutely great.
Stage Three: Irritability
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You've been sitting in services listening to the rabbi drone on in a language you still haven't mastered despite 13+ years of Hebrew school and being bar mitzvah'd. You thought perhaps ~prayer would save you~, but the food that should be satiating your craving is instead being replaced by the annoyance filling you up inside.
Stage Four: Exhaustion
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You've stuck it out at synagogue for as long as humanly possible, and you're finally headed home to LAY. You have no food, no energy and nothing keeping you alive at this point. You feel like a limp noodle. OMG noodles. The couch looks inviting. Ugh, but your bed is also your bed. Honestly, at this point, the floor will do just fine.
Stage Five: Hysteria
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LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY IM SO HUNGRY AND LITERALLY CANNOT FEEL THE LIMBS OF MY BODY OR ANY PART OF MY FACE JUST LIKE THE WEEKEND SAID! LOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT. YES, MY COFFEE TABLE IS DEFINITELY EDIBLE. MMMM THE TASTE OF MAHOGANY.
Original post by Becca Soverinsky for Spoon University - Michigan.
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