I tried marriage and I don't understand the attraction. I hated it. It's such hard work. I had to organize the maids, the chef, assistants, chauffeurs, gardeners. All that staff. Exhausting. What really did it for me was when my husband told me he wanted children. Can you imagine? Ruining your figure for babies; those smelly things that leak at both ends?
At the beginning of a marriage everyone is on their best behavior. Everyone is pretending to be something their not. He's pretending to be terribly fascinated in everything you say, he brushes his teeth, acts like a super stud in the bedroom, and living room, and kitchen... And we women pretend that he's our "super hero," we wear high heels and naughty little teddies, we shave our legs everyday. But six months and he's turned deaf and dumb, your legs are hairy, neither one of you has brushed your teeth, you pick your nose and he picks his butt. He farts, you burp. The teddies have been replaced with sweats; he sits in front of the TV with the "game" on, mumbling, a beer in hand. You barely speak to each other; you're too tired to have sex. Marriage. What is the advantage?
I like to have sex, more than once a week. I'd rather have my freedom, than a housekeeper's life. She can have the babies, the smell and the noise. I'll have the men after a night out with the boys. Just give me diamonds (or emeralds, or rubies, or gold), take me to the Ritz, Le Dome, The Peninsula. Bring me roses; I'll dress up like a nurse. And don't ever forget to leave a little something in my purse.
And as a mistress I get beautiful, expensive baubles. And a man who is attentive. I don't mind him leaving (after heavy breathing) in the middle of the night. I need my sleep, I don't need the snoring and tossing and turning (not to mention morning breath). The wife can have him for the weekends (with those darling little screaming children along with the in-laws. I'll shop and have dinner with my girlfriends.
I'm not trying to change my status as mistress. The wives can keep the car pool, shoppin' and cookin'. I'll have candlelight, romance and all that lovely nookie.
Mistresses are a misunderstood breed with our own unique set of problems, after all zillionaires don't grow on trees. And it is zillionaires that we're after. Like my Earl. He has everything one could want in a man, oil wells, diamond mines, real estate. Dear, dear old Earl. And I do mean old. He's 92.
Being a kept woman used to be so acceptable. Today being a mistress is practically obsolete. Men have forgotten the purpose of having a mistress; they're so used to getting everything for free. Everyone assumes you are a common prostitute! I ask you, do common prostitutes shop at Neimans, mingle with royalty, dine at Le Cirque . . . well, maybe.
I like jetting around the world on a moment's notice, in a G5 of course. I mix with the cream of society, princes, pop stars, politicians. I don't kiss and tell, too much. Well, I did have Mick Jagger -- but then again who hasn't? I don't want to take anyone's husband.
Being a mistress isn't just an occupation... it's a state of mind. So, ladies if you are a wife -- remember, act like a mistress -- and he'll treat you like one.
To summarize, here are some of my philosophies:
Why I prefer to be a mistress... rather than a wife:
1. I'd rather have my freedom... than have a housekeeper's life.
2. She can have the babies (the smell and the noise!), I have the men after a night out with the boys.
3. I don't mind when he leaves in the middle of the night. She can have the snoring, the tossing, the turning (the morning breath). I need my beauty sleep.
4. She can have the car pool, the shoppin'. I prefer candlelight and nookie.
5. She can have the weekends with the in-laws, I'll shop with my friends. Really, I'd rather!
6. I like flying around the world (to play around the world) on a G5, of course.
7. I like my name, my independence, my prince, my pop star, my politician . . . and believe me I've had them. Just ask Mick Jagger (well, who hasn't had Mick?).
8. She can play blind man's bluff, I'll play blind man's muff. (Not to mention hide and go peek).
9. She has to beg for an allowance. I'm not the one doing the begging.
I'm crazy about you baby, but please don't ever turn up with your suitcase at my door. I'd rather stay a mistress than become a wife.
Staar: She'd Rather be a Mistress (staarring Carrie Fisher, Jeffrey Tambor, Fabio and Staar!) the film is now available on video-on-demand, including Charter and Verizon as well as 20 other Cable carriers across the country. www.staarlet.com.