Loosening The Ego's Grip

In my previous post, I wrote about the many ways we become activated by the ego. If you managed to navigate the holiday weekend without feeling the flare of ego, no need to read further -- we bow to your mastery. For everyone else, I'd like to share some tips for loosening the ego's grip.

Let me start with an important warning label about the fallacy of trying to stop the ego. The ego is mediated by mind and thought - it is a collection of thoughts you hold about who "you" are. Hence, addressing the ego through mental maneuvers will prove an infinitely regressive (and frustrating) loop. Asking the mind to dissolve itself is a losing proposition, but holding the ego with equanimity can be a powerful practice.

So how can you avoid getting gripped in the ego's clutches? Here are a few suggestions:

Cultivate the Witness: The first step in dissolving the ego is to simply see it. Rather than resisting, fighting, or battling - simply acknowledge it for what it is. When you can witness the barking ego without being gripped by it, seeing its antics without engaging, then you become free to choose your response rather than acting out the same old conditioned dramas. In his book A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle says, "To become free of the ego is not really a big job, but a very small one. All you need to do is be aware of your thoughts and emotions - as they happen. This is not really a 'doing' but an alert 'seeing.' When that shift happens, an intelligence far greater than the ego's cleverness begins to operate in your life."

Attend to the Present Moment: When you feel the discomfort of the ego's constriction, you are likely already projecting unfavorable future outcomes - embarrassment, failure, rejection - or conjuring up images from the past where you felt similarly. The ego is associated with the notion of time, which is created by the mind through the thinking process. As Krishnamurti and physicist David Bohm discuss in Ending of Time, the mind compulsively thinks to ensure its future existence. As a result, the ego will instinctively take you out of the present moment. Rather than getting carried away by fearful fantasies, bring your attention back to this moment. The "future" is only a succession of present moments. Be present with this one and you will feel the ego relax...making the next moment and the next more spacious and enjoyable.

Surrender Personal Agendas: Your ego is riddled with personal agendas and a sense of individual "doership." You want things to work out a certain way so you fight, effort, and struggle to make things happen. When your expectations don't bear fruit, you are disappointed. "I have to work so hard to get what I want," you claim! In fact, just the opposite is true. When you surrender your ego agenda and invite a sense of ease and flow into your life, you will experience a natural joy and wisdom that not only expands the possibility for success, but also brings you into alignment with the super-conscious mind, higher self, or the divine.

In the battlefield discussion between Krishna and Arjuna in the Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna instructs the great warrior Arjuna to offer his every action, as well as the fruit of his action, as a sacrifice to the divine. In other words, surrender all your thoughts, words and actions...and all the outcomes...to a higher purpose. While you may hold the common misperception of surrender as weak or out of control, this belief is just a trick of the ego for self-preservation. Krishna knew that only from deep humility and surrender could Arjuna's full power and greatness as a warrior manifest without corruption by ego.

Forgive Old Transgressions: Conflict is one of the surest and fastest ways to activate the ego, and forgiveness is a powerful tool for moving beyond it. "Why should I forgive someone who has wronged me?" you ask. There are two primary reasons: First, anger and resentment are poisons that harm you. By holding onto toxic feelings you are choosing to poison yourself. As any native shaman would tell you, "It's not the snake bite that kills you, but the poison running through your veins." The second reason to forgive is that your transgressors are usually your greatest teachers. While you may never condone their behavior, they act as a powerful mirror for you -- anything you feel is unforgivable reflects an issue inside of yourself. See your transgressors as necessary actors in your play, provoking you to do your own inner work, to heal, and to ultimately become free.

Offer Selfless Service: Because the ego's nature is compulsively self-centered, when you focus your attention compassionately on others, you free up energy previously consumed in self-absorption. You can use this energy not only as the fire for your own transformation but also for sacred service in the world. As you shift your attention to the broader needs of others, developing further awareness of the universal connectedness of all life, you will sense the unity of self and other. In a practical expression of this, you will naturally want to offer to others what you would like to have yourself - security, peace, acceptance, love. Ask yourself: How can I serve? What is my offering? What is my gift to my/your/our Self?

Fall into Love: The ultimate gift is love...and I don't mean romance here. In this dance with the ego, seek to open up to a broader, impersonal love for all beings and for your Self. Christ taught that you have a great obligation to love, "Love one another as I have loved you." Let the ego fall away and allow an abiding love to enter its place. Life is a process of losing your ego and participating in the dance of interaction with all of creation, of participating in love. This is reflected in the common expression: falling in love. Where do you fall from? You fall from your ego to non-ego. You become willing to open up, lay bare your defenses, and become vulnerable to all of existence. Unconditional love blossoms when there is no ego left to defend.

I invite you all to play with these possibilities. There is no greater service than to be a crucible for this sacred alchemy, the magical process of transmuting ego into love.

Comments

[kirkland]

For all the working out we do we remain distanced from our bodies and live in our heads. Stillness is created by a quieted mind and then experienced by us physically which trips the wire on us experiencing it emotionally. Real stillness is restorative. Stillness and the capacity to enlist it trumps the chattering monkey which is the ego. Yoga is immensely popular not only because it *feels* so good and teaches us to *feel* again on the sensate level but also because it teaches us , almost invisibly, how to find and live from our spiritual essence ( whether Christian, Jew or Buddist) as opposed to living in the chattering nabob which is our ego. ( or lower chakras, only ...ie: feed me, ground me, comfort me , me, me, me)MHO.

[fran]

When I first starting reading your column
I thought it was by Dr.Phil.But after
reading the complete post,I just wanted to
say thanks for the lovely thoughts expressed.
Maybe I'll give it a try~

[SILVANUS]

Stacey

Wow, did I ever need to be reminded of this today.
It's great to even read this in semi-minstream media.
Finally.
Maybe we are all getting somewhere together, well, I mean, there IS nowhere to go, but you know...

[arcangelica]

the ego is nothing more than a human construct.

[mamacat]

Verrrry interesting that the story byline is shown above a picture of Stephen Colbert! How in the world could anyone think that Stephen Colbert is anything but the meekest man in the whole of Manhattan? His self-effacing-while-witty monologues are the epitomy of all that is humble and shy on cable comedy. He is, if anything, the male version of Sister Theresa, dedicating his every waking moment to something and everything greater than his own self-aggrandisement; the anti-egotist, if you will. Yes, Stephen Colbert. Just saying his name makes me feel humble.

[jhNY]

On what scientific and/or obserservable evidence do you base your contention that there is, in reality, any such thing as an ego?

[bethinCary]

Great article Stacy.
I agree with posters here about the ego-especially when it comes to religious leaders-who may have started out with the best of intentions-but now is about the ego with many.
I'm a fan of Osteen and Michael Beckwith, who seem to have some humility about them, and do not have such hardfast religious 'rules" as construed/misconstrued by orthodoxy or theologians. I'm sure this is intentional on the part of those who do-by setting the bar too high for evangelicals and fundamentalists to live by.I've noticed many of these teachings do not allow for any "self-discovery" of emotions, individuality..and instead focus on rules. It's no wonder people have become so disassociated from thier true selves. It takes practice daily-to be able to do what Tolle has said to see your emotions from outside yourself-to know yourself. I believe God did make us different from other beings in the cosmos-because of our emotions. It's a shame so many people want to live in the intellectual or mind-as opposed to the limbic/emotional side. Humanity is like a dog chasing its' tail-if the physical (material)mind is percieved as the only way to achieve happiness or purpose in life.
That's really sad.

[funpaddler]

True Cherokee story
Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside their people. He said, "Grandson, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. Its anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and EGO.
The other is Good. Its is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and FAITH."
The grandson thought about it for awhile then ask his grand father. "Which one wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied "the one you feed"

[Giblatsai]

I appreciate the simple fact that this article is appearing in semi-mainstream media, thank you Stacey, and thankyou Huffpost, giving voice to those of us who have walked away from the materially-driven, ego-centered-me-world, toward a more spiritually-centered life, where the ego, real or not, presents us with a choice between real and illusory happiness; full blown joy of the spirit or fleeting moments of empty-ego attempts at happiness at someone's or something's expense.

After all, isn't the pursuit of happiness what we are all attempting here? Isn't it a God-given right?

And to finish the quote from the article on Christ's golden commandment: "Love one another, even as I have loved you, that your joy may be full (John 15:11-12)."

[jesusquintana]

Wow. Thank you. This is all I need to read today.

[pesfb]

Ah, but you see the mind can dissolve itself if the person has the seriousness of purpose to observe it fully and attentively. Calling this a losing proposition and creating a list mind tricks just keeps reinforcing the enslavement to your ego, and is merely another form of spiritual materialism.

[domokat]

Stacy,

You clearly have read lots of religious texts, and what I would like to read from you is an essay about Jesus and Buddhism. Do you think there is a real and direct historical connection? Do you think Jesus knew Buddhist Dhamma and was influenced by it in his ministry?

Thanks,

[Pandu]

A Bhagavad-gita reference, what fun!

When Krishna speaks of the Divine to Whom we must surrender, in most cases He uses the Sanskrit word "mat" or "mam," meaning "Me," or "unto Me," referring to Himself, Krishna. This is the very essense of Bhagavad-gita, surrender to Krishna.

"sarva-dharman parityajya mam ekam saranam vraja --
Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me."
http://bhagavadgitaasitis.com/18/66/en1

Apart from than that common error, I appreciated the article.

As the article suggests in reference to surrender, spiritual life is somewhat opposite to material life. Materially everyone wants to be the master, but spiritually it's better to be a servant, or even better to be the servant of the servant. Materially, surrender is shameful, but spiritual surrender, surrender to Krishna or His bona fide representative, is unlimitedly glorious.

[StreamSource]

This is packed with truth. I think it would earn close to a perfect score on David Hawkin's "truthiness" scale.
Since those who are most enlightened, use few words, when I go off on a lengthy epistle on my blog or in another forum I observe myself and wonder, "Is the act of all this mentation and writing (itself) an act of ego?
It could be that when we begin to see all intellectual or creative acts as tools to gather personal truth, we will be free to explore and share without encountering ego's karmic shadow. What we do then becomes "self" serving, but not ego-centric.
If we stick with this journey of self-actualization, perhaps one day we will no longer need words... which means we relentless bloggers will have to find a new pastime. ;)

[rabun666]

Good advice. Politicians and the unscrupulous clergy play to the ego by using fear, insults, abuses after which the pretend christian churchianity-religionist preachers beg for money that they get, while the politicians beg for votes. They ask those who they have just insulted, abused and lied to for these two things and they get them, from the fools they have just insulted, abused and lied too.It's no wonder that they have complete disdain for the public in general.This disdain encompasses those of us who are rightly offended by being insulted, abused, lied too, and monies stolen by the government and then given to the very same churches who insult and abuse so they can continue these abuses.Furthermore, not only do these churches get our tax monies, it's tax exempt and the donations of the fools tax deductible.