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Stacey Nelkin

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Get A Divorce, Quickie Style

Posted: 09/20/2012 1:30 am

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson did it. Elizabeth Hurley did it. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes just did it.

What exactly do all these folks have in common? They got a quickie divorce.

Yes, quickies aren't just for sex and marriage. Just like getting hitched quick by eloping in the Bahamas or Vegas, many are now untying the knot fast enough to cause whiplash.

Even I did it once.

My first husband and I were ill-suited on nearly every level. We looked silly together, with him towering more than a foot above me; we barely fit in the same picture frame. We were also polar opposites when it came to background, temperament and interests (except for acting). We weren't even sexually compatible. Add to all of that the fact that he was almost 15 years my senior and wanted me to play the role of "pretty wife" while my career was in full swing. Needless to say, we were doomed from the start.

If we were totally honest, probably neither of us really saw a future with the other. He was making big bucks at the time, starring in one miniseries after another, and asked me to sign a prenuptial agreement. This is perhaps standard now, but it was less so back then. And when we remodeled our home, I turned the room designated for our future child into an office.

After three years of marriage -- a big success by Hollywood standards -- we agreed to get a divorce. Honestly, I wasn't too traumatized by this decision. I am a child of divorce. Both of my parents had been married three times apiece at that point. Divorce -- I'm sad to say -- seemed par for the course.

And because the decision was relatively easy and trauma-free, we decided to get a divorce in a way that didn't protract and add pain to the situation. We opted for a quickie. We traveled to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic -- the quickie divorce capital for many celebrities including Elizabeth Taylor. We made a fun weekend out of it in this Caribbean paradise. We even had goodbye sex. And at the end of our "break-cation," the two of us appeared before a judge and answered "Si" to several questions asked in Spanish. It was over. We were divorced.

But quickie divorces need not be solely the domain of actors. Celebrity culture is aspirational. TV and magazines try to get us to buy the same products that famous people use and to do the same workouts to stay fit, so why not imitate the way they end their marriages too? Why not get divorced, celebrity-quickie style?

Of course, a quickie divorce is not for everyone but if you meet the criteria, you might be able to end your marriage quickly, cheaply and relatively painlessly.

Book that ticket to Guam or the Dominican Republic if:

1. The thrill is gone from the marriage. There's no real passion there. Your mutual chemistry probably couldn't sustain more than one or two battles, and we all know that a marriage that's in it for the long haul needs fire sufficient for many heated arguments. But that's okay. There's no need to fight about the divorce when the pair of you barely had enough passion to fight during the marriage.

2. The two of you are still friends. You need to have some sort of friendship that bonds you. Ideally, you still like each other enough that you're willing to forfeit something to him/her rather than give it all to the divorce lawyers. Yes, the sharks will be circling the waters, waiting for the two of you to be so consumed with hate for each other that you must retain them. And they will make lots and lots of money. Your money.

3. You have no children. Kids complicate any divorce. Money and assets can be easily divided, but children are harder to split up equitably. And divorce lawyers salivate at the mere mention of children. So if you are relatively untethered, you can make a quick getaway.

4. It's no biggie. If you're in your late 20s or 30s, chances are good that you come from a broken home and having a divorce or two under your belt is no big deal. This practically blasé attitude makes it easier to take your quickie divorce in stride.

5. You have a prenup. Like many modern couples, you may have a prenuptial agreement, which obviates the need for one of those scary divorce attorneys. You can hire a mediator to figure out the details. Or better yet, make a vacation out of it and travel to the Dominican Republic or Reno, Nevada, or Guam, sign a paper and say "adios" over fruity, alcoholic beverages. You might even have a quickie while getting your quickie.

 

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