Ahh, JDate. The blessed bastion of matzo-loving mensches. I'm really excited to test the waters on this site. In large part because this little Catholic loves the Jews, and has been told by many of their most devoted that she would be quite welcome in the tribe.
Fun fact of the day: You don't have to be Jewish to be on JDate. Hellllooooo, John Krasinskis, your shiksa awaits! You don't even have to be "willing to convert", but I go ahead and check that box anyway.
My excitement wanes the moment the screen loads. The website is an OCD nightmare. What year was this built? Why is it so cluttered? Which section do I click on first? And where, for Yahweh's sake, are my adorably pale little schlemiels??
A few deep breaths and several brown bags later, I make my way to the profile section. Unlike Tinder, the people of JDate want to know everything about you. Describe my life and ambitions?? I refuse to put my dreams in a box. Past relationships? "None" doesn't feel like a real crowd-pleaser, so I go with, "Minus the one I murdered and the three I'm currently stalking?" You with me, balebostes?
The virtual interrogation continues:
A brief history of my life: Born early. Bred over-achiever. Socialized sarcastic.
My perfect first date: It involves an Uber and John Krasinski and me making out.
On our first date, remind me to tell you the story about...: Don't worry. I'll remember.
The things I could never live without: Wit, candor, and crossword puzzles.
I'm looking for...: ...Perfection. Preferably with a solid sense of humor. And stellar bone structure.
I begin to tire of this very deep and very personal probing and head to the details portion of my profile, thinking it will be a quick hit of basic stats. Oh how wrong was I. Height, 5'11"; body style, lean and slender; hair, dark brown; eyes, green; ethnicity, cauc -- uh. Where's the caucasian?
Three quick Google searches later, I settle on, "Will tell you later".
'Likes & Interests' is a multiple-choice sort of deal, so that section flies by pretty quickly, setting me up for the Kibitz tab. I'm beginning to think there should be a separate shiksa membership to this site -- dictionary included.
The Kibitz Corner proffers a question of the day. Your answer will show up alongside your profile photo in this chat room of sorts, and people can comment, like, or click to send a little love tap your way. Open myself up to an onslaught of unvetted creepers? We'll go ahead and save that for another day.
I head back to my profile and click on the final notch -- Compatibility. This sector asks you to take a color code test, which will determine and define your core personality traits. I love these kinds of things.
Question 1: "When I failed as a child, I felt...". Failed as a child? Let's not be ridiculous here.
Perhaps it's time to browse those recommendations.
Oy vey iz mir. As I'm contemplating a future filled with flats and neck pain, an irksome, Nokia-esque noise begins to ping from my screen. Oh holy night. The face of a 55-year-old man is leering at me, asking if I would like to chat. HE'S IN MY HOME. "JewGotSoul has viewed your profile." I feel so violated. I X his face away, but it's immediately replaced by three more. At the same time, I see my inbox numbers rise.
The messages are overwhelmingly earnest. These men are nice. These men are serious. Suddenly my ideal first date that "involves an Uber and John Krasinski and me making out" feels childish.
Welp. I think that's enough JDating for one evening!
I'll leave you with this gem that I plan on cherishing forever:
THE NEIGHBORHOOD YENTA. I've been waiting my whole life to read those words.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.