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Stacie Krajchir Headshot

5 Reasons Why I Want To Kick Facebook's Ass.

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I've been accused of accomplishing more in one hour than the average person does in a day. I have that disease of being slightly over productive, I'm a dedicated list maker, and super task master. I have no idea what made me this way, but this is how it's always been.

Back in the day, I could review my to do list, check each item off as I moved about my day and truly feel like a professional task ass kicker. Today, just when I think I have accomplished some pretty incredible things in a 24 hour period, I'll go to my super quickie, once a week Facebook log in (to respond to the endless friend requests from people I don't know) and boom, in the midst of this innocent check in, suddenly, my impact and productivity is at an all time low. I find am now being measured and I measure others in a whole new way I didn't sign up for.

With that being said, I have realized there are a handful of things that just make me want to kick Facebook's ass.

1. Facebook makes me feel like a 21st century failure.

While I'm an ass kicker in the real world, online, I am a certified social networking slacker. From the minute I log on to Facebook, no matter how much I accomplished today; be it booking a client on Oprah's Favorite Things, publishing a few novels, washing my dog or becoming a supermodel overnight, (along with the 30 other super important items that were on my list for the day), I immediately feel as though there 's five million four hundred and seventy five things I still need to do. It's an endless vortex and I have deep rooted resentment towards Mark Zuckerberg's brilliance every time I walk through this routine.

Facebook has turned me from being an extremely fruitful, and annoying multi tasker to just another soul who is clearly sleeping while the big social media bus rolls on by. I don't have 3,000 friends, I didn't add five books to my bookshelf, nor did I join any life changing causes (that I'm sure totally need me to survive and excel) and I certainly don't have a fan page for all my clients or even one for my own business. I didn't even accept the gift that my BFF sent to me months ago. Yep, certifiable 21st century failure.

My self imposed Facebook log on limit is once a week, for 22 minutes total -- and with good reason; you have to know your limitations and I know mine. Anything beyond 22 minutes and life as I know it would fall straight into the suckage vortex. It's all or nothing. I would have to become the president of Sexy Facebook Page Design and I would take it on as if I was a gold Olympic Facebook competitor. I'm in it to win it and I would stop at nothing. This is the same reason I don't drink much or do drugs by the way. Very black or white over here.

2. Facebook has abducted my actual friends.

I have friends who check their Facebook forty five times a day, and insist on getting alerts via Blackberry. I imagine they do this to avoid anything fabulous slipping past them, or they log in to be sure nothing life altering has occurred -- because God knows, if my sister is giving birth I'll be notified via Facebook, right?

And it isn't as if we weren't a self-obsessed society to begin with, sweet Jesus help us, now we have a worldwide soapbox to stand on. And I have learned, there isn't much movement past the whole high school antics, everyone still wants to be Big Man On Campus and Facebook is making you feel closer to getting there. Solid.

On Facebook people get to ramble on about how they simply love The Lakers or how much they dig the new photos you added or tags you made. It's a place you can be valiant enough to be someone you totally don't have the balls to be in person and select the persona you want to project--you're not actually having any conversations, (Sorry folks, wall-to-wall does not count as conversation). On Facebook, you can actually convince yourself that anyone who visits your page is remotely interested in what you do, what you have to say and whom you say it to. With all this faux friend folly and random comments, It's no wonder social confidence is at an all-new high.

3. Facebook makes me hate new people more than I did yesterday

Bottom-line truth folks, I don't really like new people in person, so why in sweet Jesus' name am I going to gather 400 new ones online? To all those who send me friend requests, don't.

I don't really want to be your friend, I don't even connect with the real friends I have and I like them plenty. And by the way, speaking of real friends, where have all of my actual friends gone anyway? I know, they're currently updating their profiles on Facebook , living virtual lives, adding a few new books to their fake bookshelves and sharing about their awesome weekend in Vail. And I do try to make mental notes of those updates during my 22 minute drive by's --I promise, I really do.

Here's the kind of stuff that throws me over the edge, my girlfriend who never calls anyone back, and really isn't around so much, but would enjoy finding a husband and have babies won't join an online dating site because of the line of work she does-- she's afraid to be seen online as I guess she feels it labels her some sort of desperate, but little miss busy clearly has loads of time on her hands to live and excel in her virtual life.

I see just yesterday she's joined a few groups, added some pins to her map and have basically written some sort of something on 27 of her friends' wall--really This kind of Facebook thing that slightly concerns me and, yet, simultaneously intrigues me.

4. Facebook has officially made stalking and being creepy an Olympic sport

Facebook has officially made stalking acceptable. We can all get acquainted without ever really meeting at all, which is fine because immediate judgments are super harsh and the initial handshake is so 1980's. You can bypass the whole "do I really want to give this person my cell number?" quandary, which is funny, because you won't give our a cell number, but you are all in to spew your weekend debauchery, show random photos, discuss books you read, party with wall to wall instant messages, and toss in other personal stuff you wouldn't tell any of us in person, but feel moved giving us the lowdown online. By the way what is a "poke" anyway? Creepy.

And, oh, don't get me started on the ex factor, I have friends who have this burning need to know what and who their exes are doing and it's just a sad option in the break up department. Oh, and for those of you who think you are in "love" this week, what happens in three weeks when you log on and notice someone else is writing seemingly similar pillow talk on his wall to wall... it's all just a train wreck waiting to happen.

5, Facebook made me join a group called "Business in the Front, Party in the Back - Mullet Lovers"

And I feel really excited about it.

It seems I may need to extend the log in limit to 25 minutes -- at least for this month.