I have clients going through the divorce process who fight furiously over possessions that, in the end, aren't really beneficial to them at all. One prime example was a woman in her mid-30s who was hell-bent on keeping the house. She had gone to great lengths to decorate it, worked hard to make her fair share of the house payments, and was willing to spend whatever it took to keep that house. She spent thousands in legal fees defending her position and won in the end. It wasn't long, however, before she realized that she really couldn't afford the payments or the upkeep! Indeed, she won the battle but, as they say, lost the war. It would have been wiser for her to sell that asset, take the proceeds, and buy a place that was better suited to her pocketbook and her peace of mind.
I always take plenty of time to go over the inventory of assets a client has and ask him or her to make a three-part list:
• Things they must have
• Things they would like to keep
• Things they could easily part with
After I explain the "list" process, I tell them to carefully evaluate each item and, with great objectivity, put it in the proper column. I also advise my clients to make sure to do this three-part list when they are not tired or having one of those moments when they are at their absolute emotional worst! Make this list when you are feeling at your rational and objective "best", I tell them. Otherwise, you may not only end up with things you didn't need but didn't really want. It's like going to the grocery store when you're starving: buying things impulsively that we are later sorry we purchased!
The "must-have" list should consist of items such as heirlooms and treasures that could never be replaced. If you answer "yes" to the question: "Can I get another one of these?" then the item moves to another column. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't want to keep the things that have meaning, just evaluate if it is worth keeping. In the end, many of my clients realize that given the resources, most "things" can be replaced. Granted, it may take time to get enough money to replace them (such as a house), but they are replaceable. So make a careful assessment of "must-haves."
You will find as you do your assessment that most will fall into the "would like to keep" column. This is where you really want to exercise your greatest restraint. Sure, you'd like to keep the BMW, but can you afford the payments? Yes, you would like to have the Ming vase, but would you have to swap it for your home's furniture? Indeed, it would be nice to keep the Escher print, but will it serve as a reminder of your failed marriage? Ironically, gloating over items you won in the battle may be the very things that make you feel bad long after the war is over. You may find that the list of "things you can easily part with" is much longer than you first thought. I have clients who later told me that it actually helped them to move on when they had the opportunity to start from scratch with everything -- from the house they lived in to the utensils in their kitchen.
What makes more sense when you're fighting over things is to look at your gains over the long term. For example: Would it make more sense to opt for more spousal support and to ask for it over a longer period of time? Would it be more practical to give up the Cappuccino machine in exchange for the washer and dryer? And let's say you must have that Cappuccino machine: how much will it cost in legal fees to finally get it? Think. Really think. I once knew a couple that fought over a ceiling fan that racked up $4,000 in attorney's fees! Getting that fixture had nothing to do with what was best.
So as you go about categorizing the items on your list of "things", make certain you do it with objectivity and good common sense. You should ask yourself this: Is it really worth it emotionally and financially? Long term: Is it is a win or a loss? Although difficult, always put your feelings aside. In the end, if you have a hard time making these decisions, ask a trusted friend or family member -- one who really knows you -- to help. That may be the best of all strategies.