05/20/2011 12:24 pm ET | Updated Jul 20, 2011

I'm With Arnold

Look. I'm probably the only one around who feels this way, but I'm getting pretty sick of people being busted for sexual indiscretions. I'm not talking about rapists, excuse me, ALLEGED rapists like our visitor now on bail from the IMF, or alleged abusers or bullies, or even the occasional drunk who does something entertaining to enthrall us all for the five or six seconds that represents our common attention span. I'm talking about people who engage in dirty, nasty, illicit sex with another consenting adult and then are forced to bend themselves into painful little pretzels to cover up their indiscretions and mistakes. I'm talking, in short, about Arnold.

I'm with Arnold. I feel for him. I'm sorry that the secret he kept that held his life together was revealed by the whorish, prurient media. I'm sorry that people are cruising the internet looking for pictures of the lady he banged to such productive effect. I'm sorry that when those pictures were found and published by the sleazy, greasy little websites that feel they're performing some kind of public service by doing crap like this, everybody got together around the national water-cooler to cluck, whinny and chortle about how chubby and lackluster the woman turned out to be. I'm sorry he's fodder for the machine. I'm sorry he's been terminated.

There's no question, of course, that the man was a fool. To father two kids within a week of each other! What a horn dog! Yes, he has supported the little illegitimate fellow for his whole life and will, I imagine, continue to do so. But now his secret is out. And it's so... juicy. Sex with the maid! End of a big celebrity marriage! So much pain. It's delicious! Hey, did you know that Arnold's 17-year-old son, Patrick, changed the name on his Twitter account from Patrick Schwarzenegger to Patrick Shriver? Boy, that must really hurt, huh? Hurt the kid. Hurt his mom. Hurt Arnold. Everybody hurts. It's terrific. It may even keep us entertained until, like, next week.

The fallout continues most excessively. I read, with sadness, that Arnold has, at least temporarily, abandoned his acting career to attend to matters pertaining. "At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently under way or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice," his official statement read. "Gov. Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes 'Cry Macho,' 'The Terminator' franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Gov. Schwarzenegger decides." I hope he decides that He'll Be Back very, very soon.

He should. The ordeal that this society puts sex idiots through, at least when it comes to male sexual idiots, is a form of public castration. Look at how the golf club has been taken out of the hands of the greatest athlete who ever held a niblick. Now Arnold is essentially terminated. He won't be the last. Because now everybody knows everything about everybody and in the end everybody is an idiot. More specifically, everybody is a sex idiot. You are too, I bet. Maybe the next time this will all be about you, if you're silly and horny and unlucky enough. Won't that be fun for the rest of us.

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