Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Stanley Bing Headshot

Landmark Study Reveals That CEOs Are Remarkably Similar to Babies

Posted: Updated:
DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT

NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES & SILICON VALLEY, Calif., May 9, 2011 -- The National Association for Serious Studies (NASS) -- a research association dedicated to a variety of serious studies -- today announced the results of a decades-long research effort that uncovers solid evidence that CEOs are just like babies.

This groundbreaking study, published today, is entitled Board Room Babies: A Scientific Investigation of Infantile Behavior In Ultra-Senior Officers, with Associated Analysis And Recommendations for Future Study . It is now available for consumption, digestion and review as a Kindle Single in the Amazon Kindle Store. (www.amazon.com/kindlesingles)

In Board Room Babies, NASS details a comprehensive list of findings outlining how those in the highest realms of organizational leadership are behaviorally similar to infants, providing, as the executive summary states, "deep insight into the workings of the executive mind... or, at times, the lack of one."

The origins of the study date back to the mid-1970s, when researchers at the National Association for Serious Studies, then in its own infancy, observed that ultra-senior management in business, politics, the arts, the military, indeed virtually all incarnations of supra-organized life possessed certain baby-like qualities. However, it was determined by the NASS staff and leadership that no assertions on this volatile subject would be made until proper research could draw scientific conclusions that would satisfy the most hagiographic biographer of the rich, powerful and obnoxious. That research is now, at last, complete.

Best-selling author and business anthropologist Stanley Bing, Chairman and CEO of the National Association for Serious Studies, commented on the findings. "There are no living beings who exert more power over others, pound for pound, than tiny babies and extremely thin moguls. We now believe we know why."

Some of the blockbuster findings detailed within the study include:

  • The world revolves around babies and CEOs to the exclusion of all else;
  • Neither babies nor senior executives have to worry about money;
  • Their food is prepared specifically for them with great care and at great expense, and a variety of their bodily functions are often closely monitored;
  • Everything babies and CEOs say is considered absolutely remarkable, no matter how nonsensical it may be. Even random babbling is often greeted with cries of delight, laughter and admiration;
  • Both are conveyed everywhere in extremely comfortable vehicles dedicated exclusively to their service;
  • Both babies and CEOs feel entitled to awaken people at their leisure, and have no compunction about ruining other peoples' weekends and days off;
  • Both entities have the ability to completely freak out or explode with rage and scare other people out of their wits.

The monograph also suggest further avenues for study such as:

  • Why babies play only with other babies, while, similarly, no mogul is happy consorting with anybody but a media-approved fellow mogul;
  • Whether ultra-senior officers, like babies, take more naps than regular people, because at times they really need one;
  • How some CEOs, like their teeny counterparts, pursue brightly colored but useless acquisitions which, the moment they are gained, lose their interest.

"As the Chief Executive Officer of this Association, I can say, on a personal level, that I am both intrigued and, at the same time, offended and annoyed by these findings," Stanley Bing concluded. "I look forward to delegating further comment and analysis of this phenomenon to others."

Board Room Babies: A Scientific Investigation of Infantile Behavior In Ultra-Senior Officers, with Associated Analysis And Recommendations for Future Study has been published as an Amazon Kindle Single. It is now available for review at www.amazon.com/kindlesingles.

About The National Association for Serious Studies

The National Association for Series Studies is an association dedicated to a variety of serious studies. Its methods, work product, staffing and even its location are proprietary and closely guarded. Its Chairman and CEO Stanley Bing is also the author of the newly released Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business (HarperCollins/ $19.99), a collection of white-collar folklore that have charmed the business community since Greece was solvent.