On Not Going to the Super Bowl

Getting there. It's horrible. There are no tickets. The planes are filled with crazy people on the way to be defenestrated.

Arriving at the airport. Bedlam. Woodstock without the drugs.

The hotel. It's okay. A little disappointing. But hey. You're not gonna be in your room for the weekend, right? Still... that airshaft was not exactly the view of the Arizona sunrise you were expecting.

In the lobby. Oh Christ. There's Bob Enema, yes, and the fact that that's his real name is proof that there is a God. Always hated the guy. Big friggin blowhard. Now he's surrounded by an entourage. Bob Enema with an entourage. That's what the Super Bowl is all about.

Gotta go out and party. Party party party. Party hearty. Drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking, but you can't get drunk. Too many professional obligations. That's why you're here. Work the Super Bowl. Biggest sales opportunity of the year. Party hearty.

Which parties are you invited to? That's a lot of it, too. You may not be invited to the Commissioner's Party. On the other hand, if you are, you may not be invited to the VIP area. You may have to stand outside the empty VIP area and realize that you are prostrated by the fact that you can't get into a place that real VIPs don't want to go to.

Eating and drinking and meeting and eating at meetings and drinking after meetings and then there's no way to get back to your hotel. Six hours in stinking traffic, stuck in the limo with Ernest and Juanita from Pittsburgh. Who are they? Are they connected to Sales or some other part of the organization? Are they vendors? Did they win a ticket? Who the frig are they?

Where are you seated in the stadium. Can you get on the field? There's Waffinger, he's junior to you and he's on the field! How did he get there?

Look at all those tiny little guys out there on the modular turf. Go... one of the teams. Neither of them come from my home town, so it's weird. I think I like the guys who are losing. I always root for the team that's behind. Go team that's behind!

Beautiful here. Gigantic crowd, everybody happy. Super Bowl is nice. I'm lucky to be here. Look at the lights over the stadium, cutting through the desert night. God bless America.

That was a good game. Wow... I had a lot of beer.

Now look at this. A miasma of humanity. A sea of flesh. Pushing. Everybody pushing. Can't move. Trapped by this gigantic, writhing mass of people. Where's my car? Gate what? Walking now. Walking and walking and walking. Ah, there's Andre.

Sitting now. Sitting in the car and waiting. An hour. Two. Ah, we're out of the parking lot at last.

Anyhow, all in all, I figure I don't mind one bit that I'm not going to the Super Bowl. Been there. Done that.

Also, you know... I don't have a ticket. Anybody got one?

Stanley Bing is a columnist for FORTUNE Magazine and may also be read on a daily basis at stanleybing.com

Comments

[davedave]

i live in phoenix. this is the biggest thing that ever happened to phoenix. well since the last superbowl here, anyway...that was the biggest thing that happened to phoenix.

actually the biggest thing that ever happened anywhere, since the big bang-the creation of the universe. and that was important because without the big bang we wouldn't have the superbowl. here in phoenix. its the biggest thing that.......

d

[LiberalEastTexan]

Is that happening this weekend?

[Mojane]

Stupor Bowl. Gladiators. Rome. The Fall. Pride goeth. Warriers battling it out. The bigger the better. Manly men. Testosterone out of control. Biggest, baddest, toughest. Biggest of the big. Big. America the Big.

Soccer (the real football..they actually use their feet for more than running a few feet at a time)...no shoulder pads, face masks, helmets, teeth guards, gonad guards.. Soccer (fusbol) is a real game, a game of amazing skill and strength, finesse and grace, and intelligence and beauty. It's the game of the world.

I can't resist making a political analogy here: McCain (Stupor Bowl); Obama (World Cup).

[kuulray]

I found a way to give a damn about this game even though I have no emotional connection to either team. It's the heavily favored, machine-like dynasty (Patriots/Hillary) versus the come-from-behind upstart underdogs (Giants/Obama). Whichever wins goes on to win Super Tuesday and the nomination. Go Giants!

[realitytrumpsbull]

ARE YA READY FER SUM SHITBALL!?!??!?!?!

Football, the way the game was played oh, about 30 years or so ago, was a little more honest, and a little less of a cash cow. Now they basically have station break time-outs, and the whole thing is a big, gigantic, overpromoted advertising bed. The heck with that.
I'm not against commercial support of professional sports, but when they basically have a steroid league, forget it.

The olympics is OK, but I think they might be moving in that general direction too, and there just comes a point when commercial involvement precludes the original focus which was one-on-one physical competition. I didn't tune in to buy a car, I wanted to watch the guy catch mad air on the long jump.

Street luge, now there's a sport that needs more sponsor involvement...it's a tradeoff. You have to watch their shitty sales pitch, but in return they foot the bill for the entire spectacle...I still want to see ABC sports cover the national street luge championship.
That would ROCK. Or, alternatively, how about a Big Track for GP superbike racing? They have some of these professionally tuned machines that'll reach out and touch F1 car speeds, and you need a fairly long run to really exercise that kind of top end. Why not a 15-mile circuit, with a looooong straightaway or two?
Sure beats men in tights with belt towels
standing around...

[richsmith]

Fascists running the country. Everyone afraid of or hating someone or something. Economy in the toilet. Mercury in my sushi. More of the same as far as one can see.

Good to have some chili and a beer and the game to get my mind off all the other crap.

[pennyfortheguy]

Lacking in originality, but; F*ck the Superbowl!
ah, feels good.
and 'F' the War and glazed-eyed pandering politicians discussed and disgusting on the other threads.
much better now.