Send Us Your Executricks: A Contest For Those Who Seek To Retire While They're Still Working

Today we begin a unique event on this site, which is normally a quiet and dignified place and relatively unused to the clang of swords and the sweat and smoke of organizational politics, let alone the art of self-promotion.

It attends the publication of my new investigation of workplace life, Executricks, or How To Retire While You're Still Working. In this book, I explore the intersection between the executive life and style and the pursuit of a well-paid, working retirement. For while noblesse oblige has been with us since the first individual declared his superior status with a spear and a club, recent developments in workplace technology and culture have placed a true faux-retirement well within the reach of even the most modest middle manager.

The BlackBerry and cell phone, for example, make it possible for any thoughtful person to emulate a senior officer - and conduct business from the nearest hot-tub (being careful to avoid associated electrocution) or beach. The recent perfection of expense account arts have extended the venue in which "work" is conducted far from the hermetically sealed towers and naked cubicles of the office itself.

Executricks are built on five core concepts:

• Delegation: the art of making other people do what you don't want to;

• Absence: the establishments of zones in which one is working and not working at the same time;

• Abuse of status: formerly the realm of senior officers, now available to everyone with creativity and even a modest amount of plastic;

• The appearance of decisiveness, even when confused - the decision-making process is the single greatest eater of retirement time and must be telescoped;

• Intense Engagement when required. Short, intense bursts of actual work are sometimes necessary and must be managed with aplomb.

I believe we all know what I'm talking about at this juncture. Additional information on the phenomenon, and my study of the subject is available on www.stanleybing.com. In addition to being informative, it is also highly entertaining and, since it is on a business site, germane to your "work" as well as, I would imagine, your work.

But my limited efforts in this regard are only the beginning. Firm in the belief that readers of this site are absolute masters of this issue, today we begin a contest to ascertain the single most impressive executrick in the world, or at least the world as we know it, the working world, no matter where it may be, what enterprise or organization it concerns. If you are within the sound of my voice, put aside whatever it is you are "doing" and send me a clear, concise (if you feel like making it concise, otherwise, this being the blogosphere, don't) description of a strategy, dodge, tactic or trick you employ to retire while you are still at work, since it is quite obvious that none of us will be retiring for real any time soon.

Send in your executrick. A distinguished and hirsute panel of judges will then decide which is the best. The First Prize will be...

Lunch at Michael's Restaurant in New York City with Stanley Bing. Restaurants like Michael's, on 54th Street in midtown Manhattan, are the loci of Executricks in virtually every city or town in which people do business. Michael's is the only place where I can pretty much guarantee a good table, which is also a core concept. Transportation for anyone within 1.5 miles of the restaurant will be provided for.

If you are NOT in New York City, I'll discuss some other plan with you. Maybe I'll think of a reason to be in your town, you know, a good business reason, of course. Or if you're really in some godforsaken place nobody ever goes to I'll send you the cost of lunch for two at a restaurant of your choice and join you by BlackBerry. Suffice it to say that your prize will be better than not getting one.

Ready... set... go!

To enter the contest, submit your Executrick in the comments section below. If you are not a registered Huffington Post commenter, you may email your Executrick to [e-mail]. Please remember to include your city and state when submitting your Executrick.

Comments

[Cathexis]

#2: Get/develop great staffers.

Mentor them until they become self-directing:

* Your department will probably become outstanding (as they get the freedom to stretch). You WILL have to do initial mentoring and provide structure, but afterwards will get to sit back with little real stress.

* One absolute requirement: Give them full and frequent credit! Talk your people up. Give their achievements visibility. One downside is that your group becomes a pool of promotion candidates. On the other hand, you obtain an ever growing group of "allies" in various places throughout the corporation -- you'll be surprised how handy that becomes, even in so far as getting info and/or sidestepping bureaucracies.

* In addition to being the right thing to do, ethically, you get a reputation as an outstanding "People Developer."

I believe that almost any team CAN be developed in such a way! And there will always be 1 - 3 exceptional people in any team, who can be used as "seeds."

It takes work up-front: Using care in hiring, addressing performance issues and not letting them slide, developing people/teams according to their strengths, providing suitable structure/communication, etc. But I have found it is ALWAYS worth it! Once established, a motivated team will do far more on its own than you could ever dream of, micro-managing all facets.

The risk: You'll get promoted and have to start over with a new team. ;-)

[Cathexis]

#1: Wait out most problems.

Seriously, you'd be surprised how many "crises" turn out to be short-lived or "not crises after all." By keeping a stern/focused expression while doing absolutely nothing to address most of the Crises du Jour, you'd be surprised how often everything will have magically worked itself out, within a week or so -- OR, at worst, how much additional information/insight you can gain in that time.

It does take some experience to identify which problems DO need attention and which can be left to drift (and for how long).

[dadw5boys]

Two different companys I worked for somehow pressed all of the cost of health care down to the hourly employees. The managment had free health care and dental for ourselves and our familys, I don't know how the boss did it.

We spent more time at the dentist than we did working.
Even if the dentist was on the golf course all week.

[tigermetal]

Learn the lingo of Corporatespeak. Get yourself hired as CEO of a large public company and make sure you populate the board with your assiduously courted rich friends. Negotiate a no-performance-necessary contract with outlandish expense account, excellent stop options and a sweet golden parachute. Proceed to party on, and while the stock drops and downsizing accellerates .... maintain a straight face while knowing when to grab the credits, and when - and especially where - to place the blame. You can then sail into a more mundane actual retirement with no guilt attached.

[Jey]

Hire a virtual assistant like me. I work out of my home, in my PJs if I want and can do laundry, play with my children all at my own pace and still make your deadline. Create a niche - data entry, Power Points, word processing, graphic and/or web design, event planning and my niche, which is transcription. Go to www.e-ssistance.com to learn more. Peace.

[Aaror]

Look for jobs where you can't get fired...
Generally government jobs, at my current job it will take 9 years to decide if I am competant, while my pay goes up automatically, and I get free travel, lodging, and meals while they move me around the country. If they decide I'm not fit to keep, they will pay me a year's salary in severence, and give me the opportunity to join the reserves. Then, I can get 4 years of college for free (well, I paid $1800 a while back, but the rest is free), while getting a cost of living stipend.
Still, moron that I am, I try my best to do a good job, which means I probably won't get the free year's pay, and will have to keep working hard. But it is a good job, taking care of the best people in the US (or outside the US right now, but we are all working hard to keep the US safe). I don't mind.
But for an "executive," my job would be perfect.

[charlesvan5000]

Job hop in advertising. The big secret in advertising is that once you're in, you're in, and no one stays at any agency for long.

First, get a job at a large agency working in some complex category. Everyone wants to write beer commercials, but the real money is in brochures for medical devices. You will not need talent. They just want a warm body and they will pay you handsomely to be that body.

Upon arrival, they will give you 3 months to prove yourself. At first, you can laugh off your blown deadlines, missed meetings, and lost paperwork on being the new guy and still "learning the brand." Meanwhile, there will be literally dozens of people doing the work that you seem incapable to do. Having failed to prove yourself over those 3 months, they'll warn you to shape up. This will buy you another 3 months.

During that time, enjoy the free use of photocopiers and scanners to create your portfolio. Don't worry if any of the ideas were yours or not. If you had a hand in any aspect of a campaign--photocopying, editing whatever; congratulations, you created the campaign.

Next, get an interview at a small shop. They'll be so blown away with the fact that you had a job at an agency they've heard of, they'll make you VP on the spot. This job will last for 18 months, at which time you can move on to a big agency again.

[RepigsLuvOxycontin]

5. Get a second set of ID if there is check-in/out with security guards in the lobby. Just tell them your original ID got lost. Make your name slightly different - but in a major way, like a wrong first letter of your last name or a different first name. Use it when you want to run off.

6. You're really in luck if you have an off-site data center or backup center. Use every excuse you possibly can to go there, and then plead traffic, a car break-down, or something else when you don't show up for hours. Better yet is if the off-site location is staff free or has no form of personnel accountabilty (for lack of a better word). If that is the case, just say you went there and everything was hunky-dory.

Disclaimer: the only one I ever used with an employer was #3, and that was only if the boss really got me angry through some pointed-head behavior.

[RepigsLuvOxycontin]

1. Use lots of meaningless technobabble. I have done this with varying degrees of success. You have to be really confident for it to work. Know your audience; if you know their competency level, you know how deep to pile the BS. You can get away with a lot since so many people are afraid of raising a question during a meeting, which brings me to ....

2. Run meetings like a tight ship, allowing little questioning and simply ending them quickly. People will like the ensuing short meetings, and just having a meeting gives the appearance of "progress". After you adjourn the short meeting, you'll have time to run off to do whatever you want.

3. Leave sweaters, jackets, etc on your chair. You can then disappear. Many people use this trick so make sure you change them frequently.

4. Related to #3 is to leave a steaming cup of java on your desk. You can use one of those "mug-heaters" to keep it warm (however, definitely a non-green sol'n). Have a confederate refill it surrepticiously if it gets to the bottom via evaporation.

Con't next post (word limit)

[ndem]

I did my PhD exams from a beautiful bamboo house compound in the rice paddies of Bali...while being served breakfast in bed...and passed! Later, when I lived in LA, I managed to always be seated at the corner table facing out...and I bought a house in Seattle with a view of the Cascades from my home office...all on $25,000 a year! Top that!

[gretchenart]

Telecommute from anywhere in the world, bringing your virtual office with you. Nowadays, you can make "local" calls from anywhere using your VOIP system. I did a working holiday in Wales last year and was a tourist by day and did a few key interviews for my strategic marketing business in the evenings, and my staff wrote up the notes and first draft report while I was sleeping! Made several thousand dollars while essentially on vacation!

I am building more and more working holidays into my schedule. Since I do photoshoots for my art business and research/interviews for the strategic marketing side of the business, I am always working while also always on holiday!!

To earn telecommuting status, your job must, of course, be telecommutable and if you are employed by someone else rather than self-employed with a network of people available from your clients to help you, you must negotiate your virtual office status with your employer, of course.

[Paul]

From Doonesbury - outsource your own job. Find a guy in India to do all your work and pay him half your salary. Meanwhile, you look for a second job.

[gymbunnybee]

Play up the slightest sniffle (or grow out your stubble/put your hair up in a im-too-sick-to-worry-about-flyaway-hair-in-my-face bun) in an Tony winning performance right out of your corner office. Call your minions in to delegate tasks one by one, each time making sure you drop your head and shake it in a i-cant-believe-my-body-decided-to-be-sick-on-this-of-all-days way at least twice during the conversation. Everytime your minion attempts to express concern, wave his sympathy away with a mock brave look 'there is no time for weakness - we simply must power on'.
Upon exit of said minion, begin packing up your LV briefcase in a slow, reluctant manner. Once out of the building, make a sharp right on Park Ave, limp your way up 2 blocks, hail a cab and proceed to your mistress's UES condo.

[luziannagirl]

Walk fast on clip-cloppy high heels, dress formally and sharp, and most importantly, inundate everyone with paper. Every meeting, shower colleagues/underlings with memos, colorful charts, FYI's, newspaper articles, etc, and ask them to send you additional docments you know you've already recieved but you know they'll probably have to work at digging up. When the wheels spin fast enough, it's hard to make the case nothing is moving!

Of course this is based on my observation of how it's done...