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10 Witty Ways to Announce Stuff Besides Marriage & Pregnancy

02/05/2015 03:05 pm ET | Updated Apr 06, 2015
Gary S Chapman via Getty Images

You've heard about the witty ways a man proposes to a woman, like hiring a skywriter to spell out, "Marry me, Sue?" I always wait for Sue to hire a second airplane to quickly fly back and respond, "No! But that was dramatic." and a moment later, "PS. And you know I go by Susanne, you cheapskate!"

Then there's the notorious putting a "hamburger bun in an oven" to announce a pregnancy when the in-laws come for dinner. And I've seen all sorts of ways to disclose the gender of the unborn child as well -- from decorating the room entirely in pink and hearing the surprising shouts from you unsuspecting spouse ("don't you know you should open a window when you paint a bedroom?!!") to wearing a t-shirt with snakes, snails and puppy dog tails on it for a boy.

But why stop there?

10 Creative Ways to Announce Anything

1. "I ran over a nail and now I have a flat!"
Put a photo on Facebook depicting your spouse's overweight mid-section hanging over a belted pair of pants. Draw a red circle with a slash mark over it (like from Ghostbusters). Get it? "No Spare Tire!" Wait on the street to see which of your clever friends comes out to help you or calls roadside assistance on your behalf.

2. "Please empty the kitchen trash to the outside cans!"
Find an old Oscar the Grouch stuffed animal or figurine and lay him on the top of the kitchen pail with a thought bubble that says, "Help me. Please bring me home."

3. "I don't want to cook tonight."
Take a pair of tweezers and carefully remove the scroll out of a fortune cookie. Write on a new tiny slip of paper, "Confucius says, 'Ain't no food happening here. Come to Hunan Garden!'" Stuff back inside the cookie and leave on an empty plate in the middle of the table.

4. "Son, please clean your bathroom mirror."
Write on teen son's mirror in red lipstick, "Mommy loves her deliciously handsome boy forever!" The mirror will be spotless in minutes!

5. "I got promoted at the office!"
Get out a large ladder and keep climbing up it. (Note: It may be tempting to change a lightbulb while you are at the top, but this will send the wrong message.) You are going for "Climbing the corporate ladder."

6. "That's it! You're not doing that to me ever again!"
Bring home a straw dispenser from McDonalds and make sure there's only one more left.

7. "I've got the flu"
Photoshop a picture of yourself with a lot of rain clouds, a sun, some snowflakes and a big gust of wind all on top of your head. Put on Facebook. Wait and see who brings you chicken soup first.

8. "Sorry dear, I have a headache so we aren't having sex tonight like you thought."Blow bubbles and keep popping them, looking very regretful.

9. "We're going to Disneyland!"
You can surprise your child with a special call from Mickey Mouse himself to announce the trip (yes, there are actual services that do this)! But if he hasn't done #2 or #4 on this list, you might want to proceed straight to #10.

10. "Ha-Ha, Gotcha! You believed me when I actually made the whole Disney thing up." Get out a really thick knit sweater and put it on over your child's head, stopping right below their forehead so they can't possibly see anything through it. After they realize you just "pulled the wool over their eyes," be sure and blow some more bubbles and pop them ever so regretfully.

11. "OK, you're just mean! I'm not reading your blog anymore. We're finished!"

Go into The Huffington Post preferences page and uncheck the "Follow this blog" box. Or you could just send me a breakup pizza instead.

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For more laughs, visit this author on her humor blog right HERE.

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