Should You Have a Soul Makeover?

05/14/2015 05:19 pm ET | Updated May 13, 2016

Women in our society are in a no-win situation and it's gotten out of hand. First the media destroys our self-esteems by pointing out all the things they claim are physically "wrong" with us. Next the beauty industry and cosmetic surgeons (who conveniently sponsor the media with their advertising!) sell us their expensive solutions to "fix our problems."

I recently decided to reject this crazy system and focus my time and energy on my inner essence instead. I read books, kept journals, took long walks on the beach and fostered close connections with family and friends. But none of it costs any money!

Everything was going along swimmingly until today when I stumble upon an online website for Soul Makeovers.

Immediately I envision "before and after" pictures, along with thunderous applause on the Oprah show as my Spirit struts onto the stage (doing the Soul Stroll Shuffle?) in updated clothing, hair and makeup. Right? Wildly curious, I call the number.

"Soul By Nicole, can I help you?"

Me: Hi there. I was just checking to see what your gimmick was? Are you selling timeshares in Hawaii or um, sexual favors?

Nicole: No gimmicks. But oh dear, you sound like such a poor lost soul.

Me: Nope! I've done my share of soul-searching. I'm good.

Nicole: What about cleansing your soul?

Aha! Here it comes. There's a battery operated exfoliation brush with expensive soaps for three easy payments of $49.95. I just knew it!

Nicole: You can start by baring your soul to me.

Ooh! Undressing my soul. R-rated stuff. See? I told you so! Massage parlor membership is just around the corner, wait and see.

Me: Well Nicki girl, it's like this. I'm sure we'd be kindred souls, but I'm gonna pass on all your promotional junk.

Nicole: I'm not selling anything. But confession is good for the soul. And I promise not to tell a living soul.

Alright so maybe I'm too suspicious. Sounds innocent so far. She just wants to have a little girl talk, maybe confide in each other. What's the harm in that? I told her I was in.

Nicole: That's the spirit! Let's meet for lunch. I know a good place for soul food. When did you last feed your soul?

Cleansing and now feeding? Aha, it's all adding up. Luxury Spa packages! Betcha she works on commission.

At the restaurant, Nicole orders filet-of-sole on an onion roll. I order the salad bowl with an egg roll.

Me: Nice to meet you. I rode the Soul Train here. I thought maybe you'd suggest lunch in Korea?

Nicole looks blank.

Me: (elbowing her) You know, Seoul Korea. Ha-ha-ha.

Nicole: Oh, you're a droll soul.

Me: Yes, I write humor. Can I pour you some water or should I just pour my soul out to you instead?

Nicole: Let me ask the questions here. I'm taking a poll. What's your soul goal?

Me: Well I want to be a famous writer. Oh yeah, and I'm trying to get away from commercialism and buying another tube of lipstick.

Nicole: Actually it's the eyes that are the window to the soul.

Me: Yep. I don't want mascara either.

Nicole: Have you thought about a soul-mate?

An online dating service. I shoulda known she was a professional matchmaker!

Nicole: Someone you can love with all your heart and soul. Share a soul kiss with?

Me: I already have a man. Maybe you know him? Old King Cole. He was a merry old soul.

Nicole: Well bless your soul, you are quite the little comic, aren't you?

Me: C'mon Soul Sister, the jig is up. I don't have time for this. Let's rock and roll our soul. Give me the bottom line. Whatcha selling?

Nicole: I'm not the one selling anything. You are.

Me: Me? What am I selling?

Nicole: It's obvious you're a tormented soul. So there's someone I want you to meet.

I winced at the huge roar and blinked my eyes to see through the sudden puff of red smoke. . .

LUCIFER: Name your price!

Me: Why you little devil, you. I wish you would've been upfront from the start. I already sold my soul long ago. To become a writer for The Huffington Post.

For more humor about "the Soul" come visit the author as she checks our a real live Channeler who can contact "the other side." For more laughs, click HERE.

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