Dear Cancer: It's Not Me, It's You

03/13/2014 12:22 pm ET | Updated May 13, 2014


Dear Cancer,

I'm breaking up with you. There are no negotiations that can be made. No argument strong enough, no comeback able to change my mind. This is the end. I'm over you.

To be honest, I never liked you in the first place.

Our two-year relationship has been tumultuous, to say the least. We've had ups and downs. Breakups and forced reconciliation. There have been moments where no matter how hard I pushed you out of my life, you came slithering back in with your malicious intent. No matter how many locked doors and concrete walls I built, you somehow found your way back to me.

You came barging into my life, with no regard for myself or anyone around me. I didn't have a choice. I was swiftly blindsided as you swept through me. Without a second to think, I was forced, pushed, and manipulated. You stole my most precious dreams. You trampled on my plans. You never cared. You've always been a narcissistic, sneaky, and reckless coward.

This arrangement has been toxic from the start. It hasn't been good for either of us. From the second you entered my world, I've been mastering ways to get rid of you. I've gathered a team so great and powerful, the realm of our advances is mightier than your imagination. And likewise, you have conjured up tactical attacks on me. Let's take a look at the facts. I've invited poison to flow through my veins, hunting you down with every curve of my vascularity. I've laid alone in a room while fiery lasers aim their beams on you, shooting up everything in the place you want to call home. I have been sliced open over and over, physically removing you from the premises. You've even gained a few souvenirs -- organs that I so desperately wanted to use.

Yet, it was never enough. You still tried to slink back in. You spineless jerk.

You are selfish. Your ego is so large, it infects the world. You are shameless and careless. All you've given me is grief, pain, and suffering. I'm not even your one and only. You're a cheat. You force your way into the lives of thousands of other innocent victims. Yet, none of us want you. That must be lonely. At what point will you get the hint?

The three times that you have barged into my life, you've seemed to have forgotten that someone already lives here. This residence is already claimed. There is no room for you in this inn. You tiptoe your way into dark closets and hide out, waiting for the perfect opportunity to settle in. Yet, don't you realize you are always found? This is not your average game of hide and seek.

Shoo fly, don't bother me.

Though you have proven yourself strong and determined, you're not smart. You repeat your strategies, only changing the location of attack. All brawn and no brain. Silly. Immature. A bully lacking care and thought. Don't you know that I've got eyes on every inch of me? You'll never get by unnoticed. You'll never survive with me.

You have always been unwelcome, however, through your contrived presence, I have grown. I've gleaned experience and my character has developed. Though I abhor you, these past two years have taught me so much -- about the world I live in. About relationships. About loyalty, trust, and security. About faith, joy, and never-ending hope. Because of you, I hold my loved ones closer. Because of you, I pray, believe, and act more intently. Because of you, I am stronger. Because of you, "perseverance" and "determination" have taken on deeper meanings. Because of you, I have discovered my purpose in life.

This relationship doesn't work. We're over. I don't appreciate you. You don't appreciate me. We're toxic for one another. Your plan has backfired righteously. Your malevolent intentions have now transformed into benevolent outcomes. You simply cannot win, because I will not lose.

And, have you forgotten? I'm already married. Two is company... three's a crowd. Don't come crawling back this time. Be gone for good. I've lost your number, after all.

With triumph, happiness, and pleasure,
Your Ex