02/28/2011 02:43 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Supreme Court Establishes Penile Personhood

Washington, DC - Yesterday, the Supreme Court affirmed a lower court decision that granted full legal rights to male genitals. In a 7 to 2 decision, the high court agreed with the finding of the US Court of Appeals, Eleventh District, in the case of Johnson v. Planned Parenthood. In a rare moment of public commentary, Justice Clarence Thomas explained the majority opinion by citing 19th century jurist, John Thomas (no relation), who argued the principle of penis decisis in his famous ruling against women's suffrage.

"It was the clear intent of the Founding Fathers," the present day Judge Thomas asserted, "that those with male genitalia should be the ultimate arbiters of the common good. It is simply an extension of that logic to recognize the autonomy of the most prominent feature of the bodies of deciders. It has always pointed the way, and men have always been compelled to follow."

The decision comes on the heels of other developments affecting the status of women. Bobby Franklin, a State Representative from Georgia, who a year ago sought to classify rape victims as "accusers," has recently introduced legislation that would establish the death penalty for cases of miscarriage where "human involvement" was found. In South Dakota, lawmakers postponed offering up a bill that would have rendered the killing of abortion doctors a form of justifiable homicide. What did pass the state's House of Representatives was a law that mandates that women who wish to terminate a pregnancy first seek counseling from a "crisis pregnancy center," which are generally run by anti-abortion groups.

"This ruling has been a long time coming," declared former Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey, who since his retirement from Congress has lobbied hard for the interests of the Penile-American community. "And to think that in the bad old days of the feminist 1990s 'phallocentric' used to be a criticism. Today, it is a badge of honor. With this wise new decision, along with recent efforts by pro-life legislators across the nation to remind women of just who has custody of their wombs, penile authority is restored to its rightful place." Indeed, there appears to be a consensus among legal scholars that with the ability to vote and stand for office, the penis is poised to make unprecedented headway.

Next on Mr. Armey's lobbying agenda, is a constitutional amendment that will not only nullify women's rights to vote and sign contracts but also change their legal status to "spermatic husbandry vessels." Explaining this new campaign he said, "we seek this amendment out of our deep respect for the role that God chose for mothers ever since he first put his Jesus seed into Mary. For us, women have always been and will always be highly revered incubators."

Meanwhile, President Obama has remained silent on all these developments because, according to confidential White House sources, he hasn't yet figured out how to stake out a centrist position on penile personhood. However, a deputy assistant attorney working under Attorney General Eric Holder was willing to go on the record, offering an unofficial opinion on the implications of the recent decision. Jack D. Ripper, who prior to assuming his position at the Justice Department was head of Monsanto's Division of Precious Bodily Fluids, declared, "Without a doubt, the new law will enable sperm banks to fill campaign coffers with unlimited contributions. And, most importantly, it will redefine what it means to be a member of Congress."

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