Does Telling Your Kids You Were Fired Make You "The Biggest Loser"?

Let me start by saying that I'm using "Dad" for the sake of simplicity. This is a non-gender question. But my editor asked me to stick with one gender, so as a father, I'm writing this column as "Dad."

Some people tell me that they find it very difficult to tell their children that they've been fired. Does a 10-year-old even know what the word "fired" means? And how much do teenagers even really understand? Can you just blame the "R word": recession? Let's face it, adults barely know what the word "recession" means, so for your children of any age, they just know that Dad (or Mom) is now home all day, not working.

It's especially difficult if this is the first time you have lost your job. Explaining it to your kids can be an emotional dilemma. But when it comes down to it, whatever the reason, you've lost your job. "Downsized," "right-sized," "let go," "position eliminated"...even if you got a great severance package, you're still out of work. And none of this vocabulary helps explain it to your kids. They hear you networking on the phone and see you spending a lot of time on the computer, but none of it makes sense.

"Dad lost his job." What does that mean? Did he misplace it?

"Laid-off" dads tell me that sharing the news with their children is one of the hardest things they've ever done. There are many ways to do it, if you choose to do it at all.

A common approach is the "just tell the family straight out" philosophy. Mom and Dad sit down and tell the children together. From the parents I have heard this from, it sounds almost like they're sitting their children down to tell them they are getting divorced. For some of my friends, announcing a divorce would have been easier. The "just tell the truth" family usually includes a laid-off worker who got a great severance and can keep the benefits package for a while. (Note: you may think the buyout package is great now, but wait until you see how long it takes you to find a new job.) These parents just come out and explain it. The kids are five, ten, seventeen... everyone gets the story.

What do you think your kids are thinking? Do they tell their friends? Your relatives? Ugh! (The relatives! You almost forgot about them, right?) What do you tell the relatives? Wow, getting fired for anyone just really sucks.

Then I have other friends who really don't want their children to know. In some cases, it's a pride thing. In others, because Dad may have already lost more than one job, it's a "I don't want the kids to worry" thing. These laid-off parents actually get up in the morning, get dressed for work, and drive around - maybe stop at the mall or the gym - until the kids leave for school. Then it's back home to start looking for work. This plan often goes awry when prospective employers call the house and leave messages that your kids end up hearing. And how can you network if you're so busy lying to your kids? This "not telling the kids" thing has got to be one stressful charade.

I grew up in Armonk, New York - IBM's world headquarters. It was the Microsoft town of the 1970s.

In Armonk, almost everyone's father worked for IBM. My friends whose dads (and in those days, it was only the dads) who worked at the global headquarters in our town had already worked for IBM around the world. The kids always told me that IBM stood for "I've Been Moved." If you ended up at the world headquarters, you had a job for life. It was like the Stepford Husbands: all the fathers wore a white shirt, similar ties, and blue suits. Back then, it seemed that no one ever lost their job.

I have to confess: I've never been fired myself, much less had to explain it to my family. But today's economy has affected so many of my friends. Frankly, today, it's the global reality.

So, how do you tell your kids you got fired? Or do you keep it to yourself? Do you wait and see how long it takes to find a new job? I would love to hear from you -- even if you're still working. How have you or would you tell your kids the bad news?

Here is my advice. Everyone should be on "orange alert." Be cautious, prepared, and ready. Have your resume up-to-date no matter how secure you feel.

Usually the first thing our friends and family tell us when they are fired is that they were surprised. Surprised? Half of the U.S. is unemployed but everyone's always shocked when it happens to them. Explain to your children now the state of the economy. Tell them that Mom and Dad are lucky to be working, but you never know. Teach them not to judge their friends' parents that may have lost their jobs. Or reassure them that it will be okay, because eventually you will find a new job.

Emphasize to your children that the most important things in life are health, family, and being together. Mom or Dad can always find another job, but having one another is what really matters.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. He is also the founder and CEO of BulletproofYourResume.com, a website that creates custom resumes. Visit him online at www.BulletproofYourResume.com and www.BulletproofYourJob.com.

Comments

[whateverlolawants]

I don't think a parent getting fired is that hard of a concept for kids to grasp. Of course, they will understand and process it in their own way, and while parents are dealing with their own reactions and issues, they also have to be there for their kids... not easy, but kids need reassurance in times like that.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

I've gotten several hundred emails directly on this very topic and most parents said it has to do with the age of the children and how many times the dad/mom/partner has changed jobs. Many have found it far more difficult to discuss it with their kids than you have. Tell us your secret! Best of luck to you.

Stephen Viscusi
viscusi.comcusi.com

[cktirumalai]

Families which refresh and renew themselves from day to day, those in which emotional insecurities are minimal, can manage external crises fairly well. Losing one's job is the equivalent of a sudden, terrifying wave but these families are equipped to deal with it. The children in them willingly accept the material sacrifices the new situation requires.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

I wish and pray that were the case of everyone I heard from, because I couldn't agree with you more.

Stephen Viscusi
www.BulletproofYourResume.com
212-979-5700

[wietog]

Tell your children the truth. That you worked for jerks who don't know how to manage a company unless money pours in like water. Then, promise to help them develop a skill that they can excel at which is NOT DEPENDENT ON WORKING AT A CORPORATION.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

I couldn't agree with you more.

Stephen Viscusi
www.BulletproofYourResume.com
212-979-5700

[jhamm1]

Personally, I'd prefer "position eliminated", as being "fired" almost seems to imply as if you've failed to fulfill your responsibilities as an employee.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

What you call being fired is semantics but I do agree for children your terms are 100% correct. Thank you for your good ideas.

Stephen Viscusi
www.BulletproofYourResume.com
212-979-5700

[lobear00]

Telling your children you've been fired makes one an honest parent, with morals and true conviction,and instilling those attributes in the child. That's one of many ups and downs to life.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

So true. Thank you for your comments.

Stephen Viscusi
www.BulletproofYourResume.com
212-979-5700