Thank You, Fox News, for Taking Sarah Palin Off My Hands

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Steve Marmel Marmel is a comedian, a writer and a TV producer. It's not as impressive as it sounds.


Sarah Palin has joined Fox News. I'll give you a moment to be shocked at this stunning, unexpected career move with the AP News story that accompanied her debut.

NEW YORK -- Sarah Palin accounts for the controversy she attracts by saying her opponents don't like the "commonsense, conservative solutions" she represents. Debuting as a Fox News analyst, the 2008 vice presidential candidate and former Alaska governor was the guest of Bill O'Reilly on Tuesday's edition of "The O'Reilly Factor."

On the claim made on "60 Minutes" that she didn't understand the nature of her son's mission when he was shipped to Iraq, she said, "I think that these are the political establishment reporters who love to gin up controversy and spin up gossip. The rest of America doesn't care about that kind of crap."

However, she did partially admit to one story that came out of the new book "Game Change" -- that she thought Iraq was behind the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

O'Reilly told her she now has a forum with Fox News that allows her to "immediately neutralize '60 Minutes'" - he snapped his fingers - "like that." He invited her back on his show any time she wants to set the record straight.

Well, you didn't need tea leaves or a Ouija board to see this coming.

There isn't a mediagenic soul on the face of the earth who didn't chart Glenn Beck's rise from grating curiosity at CNN to Fox News demagogic gabllionaire and think, "how can I jump on that gravy train?" The day she quit her job in Alaska was the day everybody figured out this was only a matter of time.

I'm sure there's a lot of cheering on the right, and hand wringing on the left, regarding Palin finally taking the job she was destined for. But for me, for someone who is -- to be polite about it -- not a fan, I thank the God Sarah feels has chosen her for greatness she finally found her home.

Fox didn't hire her for her critical thinking skills. They didn't hire her for "fairness" or "balance." They're paying her to do what she always does -- take a story, squeeze it through the play-dough fun factory of her mind -- and crap it out in the shape that best fits her brand.

You might find yourself amused or stunned by what she has to say, but you'll never be shocked by what side of the issue she falls on. Whether it's weekly, daily or hourly, she'll swoop on down from Alaska with a fistful of talking points and toss a couple of "you betchas" in there to make herself sound folksy.

Unfrozen Caveman Pundit.

And this is a good thing.

Before, she was placed out there in the big wide world for everyone to choke on. For a brief scary moment, we all had to think this person could be one McCain heartbeat away from the Presidency. Had Obama lost, we would have been stuck with Palin for at least four years -- on our TV's, at the White House, speaking for the public... representing "regular America."

For many, this was reason enough to turn the car to the left and vote for Obama. Even now, I throw up a little in my mouth at the very thought.

Which is why we should all welcome Ms. Palin to her fancy new pen at Fox News.

For her: It's safe, it's warm, and nobody will ask any tough questions. Never again will she be subjected to an unflattering outtake, or be forced to think on her feet to a challenge or unwelcome debate. Her easy and expected critiques of Obama will fall somewhere in between Beck, Ingram, Hannity, Van Susteren and... well, every other right-leaning pundit.

And for her detractors: She's about to become as relevant as a fart in a skunk house. One more voice in a very loud choir where she's not even the lead vocal. She's walled off in a gated community of like minds.

For those of us that have detached from the 24 hour news cycle and get our news from the internet, the only time we'll see her is in funny little snippets where Jon Stewart eviscerates her the way Joel McHale guts Jersey Shore on The Soup.

She is no longer part of my world.

And for that, Fox News, I thank you.