Women are environmental nightmares when you think about it -- and much worse than men. I welcome you to debate me on this point but I doubt you'll win. Keep in mind, I'm speaking in "generalities," and there are obviously exceptions to every rule, but this is the gist of it. I began putting two and two together -- unscientifically, mind you -- and the pieces fit. I've learned many things by loving women and this is something I think we -- men and women together -- must address immediately.
Let us start with the world's biggest catastrophe to date, OVERPOPULATION. Women are the ones actually having the children. You can blame religion, education, or the biological clock but it still comes down to one thing, women are having the children and, therefore, are directly responsible for overpopulating the planet. Ssssssh, stop yourself, I've already taken stock of the male role; men who impregnate women are idiots too, but this is about ULTIMATE RESPONSIBILITY. Ladies, you are the only ones that can truly stop over population. Huffington Post will, and cleverly, I might add, put a bunch of useful links at the top of this blog so you can go check the surveys, census figures, and polling that relates to this conclusion. The energy a new child burns and the garbage she produces is astounding. Shush, are you now going to say, "but, Steve, my child could be the person who solves world hunger or is the next Nobel Peace Laureate"? Yeah, right. We can genetically predict who's going to be a genius -- these days -- and I would venture to say that about 90 percent of the kids being born are going to do more sucking from the teat of the planet than giving back. By the way, Al Gore receives a Nobel Prize for cruising around in a gas guzzling SUV while he drolly complains about global warming? Give me a break. I digress.
So, we have who's responsible for overpopulation. Good. Now, about these 20 minute showers. Women have long hair and, God knows, men love it but all that rinsing and repeating uses a lot of energy. It takes over five fresh gallons to wash long hair and that doesn't include conditioning or the electricity you waste with blow-drying. Women have "other hair" that men don't love and most ladies shave that off in the shower. I know, because I've lived with women -- my entire life -- and have had to listen to the water run while they're shaving their legs.
This, obviously, pollutes both the water and the air. How does it pollute the air? Well, duh, It pollutes the air because where the hell do you think the energy came from to heat the water and run the pump? That's right, fossil fuels or nuclear power.
Roll in the sport utility vehicle please. Soccer moms made the success of the SUV such a cliché that it was the basis of skits on shows like Saturday Night Live and do you remember the Simpsons episode where Marge bought an SUV? I rest my case. SUV's plus women [and their ten kids packed in] equals' pollution.
Our next topic is shoes. Who needs 30 pairs of shoes, factory dyed, and made of animal hides or chemicals? Women do. Follow the "disaster trail" and you'll see how much pollution those Christian Louboutin shoes are causing. Maybe that's why they have that red heel; it's a symbol of the bloodshed.
Let's turn the page to deforestation. Count the amount of magazines dedicated to women versus the magazines dedicated to men. There's a lot of paper, ink, and energy used to explain the latest fashion, how to lose 10 pounds in an hour, and win the man of your dreams. Better yet, open up one of those magazines and start counting all the products -- from mink eyelashes to the 10 billion versions of anti-aging cream-- that are created and marketed towards, you guessed it, women. Shame on all of you for letting this happen. When I fell in love with you, I was under the impression that you would save me. Now, I can see that you are trying to kill me. I invite your well-thought rebuttal.