Think the Chris Christie commissioned Bridgegate investigation into Chris Christie's involvement exonerating Chris Christie has no precedent? Think "lane closure" transformed into "lane realignment" is an outlier? Try "torture" becoming "enhanced interrogation." Try the time-honored definition of "is" becoming a question based on what "is," is? At least he didn't go Nixonian and fire state investigators... yet.
But why would anyone question Christie's methodology? What possible self-interest could Christie or his investigation have in deceiving the public? It's like saying American businesses can't police themselves honestly.
Dissolve to: April 14, 1994, hearing on the Regulation of Tobacco Products House Committee on Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Health and the Environment
REP. RON WYDEN: Let me begin my questioning on whether or not nicotine is addictive. Let me ask you first, and I'd like to just go down the row, whether each of you believes that nicotine is not addictive. I heard virtually all of you touch on it. Yes or no, do you believe nicotine is not addictive?
MR. JAMES JOHNSTON (Chairman and CEO of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company): Mr. Congressman, cigarettes and nicotine clearly do not meet the classic definition of addiction. There is no intoxication.
MR. WYDEN: We'll take that as a "no." Again, time is short. I think that each of you believe that nicotine is not addictive. We would just like to have this for the record.
MR. TADDEO (President of U.S. Tobacco): I don´t believe that nicotine or our products are addictive.
MR. TISCH (Chairman and CEO of Lorillard Tobacco Company): I believe that nicotine is not addictive.
MR. HORRIGAN (Chairman and CEO of Liggett Group): I believe that nicotine is not addictive.
MR. SANDEFUR (Chairman and CEO of Brown and Williamson Tobacco Company): I believe that nicotine is not addictive.
MR. DONALD JOHNSTON (President and CEO of American Tobacco Company): And I, too, believe that nicotine is not addictive.
Dissolve Back To: Column
Funny stuff, huh?
Still, the (self) investigation, its lack of key player interviews and its resulting absolution of Christie sets up an interesting notion of how this approach might have worked in some past and present controversies.
12 Years a Lane Realignment
An investigation by Southern plantation owners have found that what was originally thought to be the most cruel and inhumane period in American history by their clients, was in fact, only a lane closure to freedom..
Although no slaves were interviewed for the investigation, the slaves' lawyers stated that "lane closure" was actually a euphemism used by slave owners as a code phrase for flogging, hanging and raping. I'm kidding. Slaves had no lawyers.
Jeffrey Dahmer's attorney's investigation into the ALLEGED cannibalistic tendencies of his client reveals that the blame should not be ascribed not to Mr. Dahmer as much as the scrumptiousness of those who chose to entice Mr. Dahmer into doing what any human would do in his shoes or while wearing his dinner napkin... chow down. None of Dahmer's meals were interviewed for the report.
Attorney Robert Khardashian's thorough investigation into the murder of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman demonstrates a strong possibility that his client and friend, O.J. Simpson, was wrongfully accused of the crime. The only known witness to the crime, listed in the report only as OJS, said the assailant was an out of control knife. The probe also praised Simpson for his perseverance in his attempts to hunt down the knife even if he had to do it from the cell he now calls home. Ronald Goldman and Nicole Simpson were not interviewed for Khardashian's investigation.
The Oz Massacre
An exhaustive investigation of The Wicked Witch of the East by the firm of Flying Monkey & Broom has found that their client, Ms. East, was not culpable in the vicious assaults on Scarecrow, Tin Man and a Cowardly Lion. In fact the evidence led to a young woman (Dorothy) whose irrational emotional state after her HBH (Homicide by House) of Ms. East's sister left little doubt that the undocumented alien from N.I.K.A.(Not in Kansas Anymore) had gone on a fanatical killing spree leaving a yellow brick trail of brainless, heartless and courageless carnage behind. S. Crow, T. Man, C. Lion, Dorothy or Glenda were not interviewed for this report. What a world. What a world.
Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful... Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Steppingstones to Success." www.greatfailure.com