THE BLOG

If Colbert Is (Not) Serious, It's Time For Him To Debate Goldwater-Miller

11/01/2007 09:42 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It's time for Stephen Colbert to take off the gloves...or put them on, depending what century you're basing your boxing analogy on.

His backers say he's running a legitimate satirical campaign. Come on. Who's the guy beating? Biden? Kucinch? Paul? Okay, they might be presidentially qualified, but they're about as funny as a sold-out Dane Cook concert.

While the evil hate-America, muckrakers over at Media Matters and the Huffington Post have called for Mr. Colbert to step aside, I say it's high time he step up to the plate and dive in - mixed metaphor and all - with the alligators. And not just on television. This is big time. You have to go all the way. I'm talking AM radio.

If you want to show that you're really the spoofiest, Batman, you've got to up against the most farcical. And in this campaign, Colbert is ducking his real competitors: Goldwater/Miller. Yes, that Goldwater/Miller. Oh. No. Not the 1964 presidential campaign team of Arizona Sen. Barry Goldwater and his running mate, New York Congressman William Miller. I'm speaking of documentarian CC Goldwater, granddaughter of Barry, and talk show host, Stephanie Miller, daughter of William.

There's no sense going over the long resume of experience that makes these two political sirens the perfect candidates for the top offices in the country, for there is none. But experience has never stopped one from nearly getting elected. Look at George Bush's 2000 campaign. Being a successful candidate is not about who you are as much as who you make the voter think you are. Look at George Bush's 2000 campaign.

The point is, both the Colbert and GM candidacies have two major things in common that make them the most attractive politically. No matter what they say, no one gets killed. And after all, isn't that what you want in a president. You'd have to go way back to President Clinton (the first one) to find a president who knew how to form a sentence that didn't end up placing our troops in harm's way.

We need to see Colbert up against Goldwater and Miller, no matter how much vaseline they put on the lens before their campaign photo session. We're talking mano a femaleno. Putting your money where their mouth is. Even it is a $100 an hour, the voter deserves it.

I call for a full-fledged debate. Colbert, Goldwater & Miller, and maybe Mike Gravel. I'm sure our foremost comedy channel could put it on. After all Fox News needs something to replace the Half-Hour Comedy Hour. And to insure the jokes be nonpartisan, have Dennis Miller moderate. Even funnier: Chris Matthews.

Goldwater/Miller has thrown down the gauntlet. A sensual, erotic - and hopefully, live-nude - gauntlet. But to date, Colbert has refused to debate. Why? What's wrong, Stephen? You afraid of a gir-rl? Huh? Buk-buk-buk...a sound no chicken actually makes. No wonder you spell your name with "ph" instead of "v," like any real man named Steven does...you pussy. Or is it "pusphy?"

In reality - or parody - there's no reason for Colbert not to debate, unless he's got something to hide. Like his out-of-wedlock black baby or his six pre-school deferments during Viet Nam. To date he's only been willing to face the softball questions of Tim Russert, we're certainly not going to find out how he'll deal with fart jokes and all-night drinking parties on Meet The Press.

It's put up or shut time for Colbert or however it is you pronounce your French name. Either agree to debate Goldwater and Miller or face the inevitable consequences: Goldwater and Miller having sex with you and then asking you "whatcha thinking?" all night long. Is that something you want to put yourself and country through?

If you, the reader, are interested in seeing satire served - and the possibility of a lusty clothing-malfunction, contact Colbert or the League of Women Voters. Or better yet, get Colbert tickets, show up at the show and shout out "Why won't you debate CC and Stephanie?!" or "How do you explain Building 7?!" Either one will get you thrown out, but then we've got free YouTube ammunition that we can run over and over.

Mr and Mrs. America, it's time to select the right boobs to run this White House, and if we can't see all of them, how can we make the best decision for this country?

Steve Young is an award-winning televsion writer and author of
Great Failures of the Extremely Successful www.greatfailure.com.