Pre-Christie Emails Revealed

When the Internet first came to fruition, who could have imagined that it could be a conduit of anything other than rapidly delivering photos of your cat to untold numbers of disinterested strangers or replacing hard copies of National Geographic aborigine nudes with highly-developed porn? But today we find that computer technology serves an even more important societal benefit: To reveal self-centered, many times illegal, scandalous efforts. An even larger bombshell, so-called intelligent and powerful politicos seem to have yet recognize that their electronic communications are accessible to the most unsophisticated investigation.

My guess is that power supersedes, or in the least, obscures common sense. How much quicker could we have resolved problematic deeds if email technology was available in the past...

From: Richard Nixon (tricky@o-office.com)

Subject: Petty breakin

Bob, John, as I have told you, I continue to know nothing about the details of the Watergate break in that you've been updating me about for the past few weeks. But if I did know about it, which I don't and never did, I think it might be a good time for a cover up.

Dick

From: Bob Haldeman (coconspirator@flattop.com)

Got it. I'll let Dean know. They'd have to kill his first born to get anything out of him.

Bob

From: Chief Crazy Horse (CCH@notsocrazy.com)

Subject: Custer's Soon To Be Last Stand

Time for a little traffic jam at Big Horn. You're not going to believe this but General Dimwad thinks we're only bringing 800 warriors to the party. How about we bring about 1,000 more? You know, for laughs. What say you SB?

CCH

From: Sitting Bull (SB@siouxme-siouxyou.com)

ROFLMAO. Break treaties, will they. I'm thinking 2,000 more. But don't send any smoke signals. Buffalo hides have ears.

Bull

From: John W. Booth (thesbo@assassinatingmycareer.com)

Subject: Too Theatrical?

Hey Mary. Instead of running a rock solid oppositional nominee against Abe to debate the issues, I'd like that we first give a shot at drilling a hole through the head of a beloved sitting president while his horrified wife sits by his side. Your thoughts.

Boothy

From: Mary Surratt (owner@surattsb&b.com)

OMG. Such a well thought out plan. Just try to do it where they would least expect it. You know, in front of hundreds of people who can identify you and where you'd have to leap a high enough distance that you could break your leg. BTW, have you seen the show at the Ford? It's killer.

Mar

From: Head Sanhedrin Priest's Office (headguy@taxes-r-us.com)

Subject: You could already be a thirty silver coin winner

Judas, my friend. I'm just pitching here. We'd like to ask the J-man a few questions. No big deal. Really, the boys here would love to find out how to do the water into wine thing. Maybe teach some of us how to walk on water...you know, before we turn it into wine.

So, I know the guy's your friend and all, but if you could just kiss and betray him to us, we'd be eternally thankful. And hell, who couldn't use an extra thirty silver coins?

Signed but not read, Morty

From: Judas Iscariot (HeyJude@12Apostles.com)

If you're sure you will let him go after talking to him. He's a good guy but if his Dad finds out...

Judas

Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful...Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Steppingstones to Success (greatfailure.com) theeothersteveyoung@juno.com

This column previously appeared in the (1/14/14) Philadelphia Inquirer.