This past Monday on his radio show, Sean Hannity bemoaned the lack of demand for his speaking at college commencements. This was of course the fault of something liberal.
I felt his pain. Here was a man filled with the rare insight of life's possibilities for almost half of America, and no one under within 35 years of his show's demographic to share it with. We all know so little and it seems a shame for the young not to take advantage of this man's uncanny grasp for making the most of so little.
Last year Hannity spoke at Jerry Falwell's Liberty College - how he got that gig is beyond me - his only foray onto a college campus for graduation ceremonies to help send budding young conservatives into the real world of mean-spirited, hate Bush, nutwads. The sage and priceless lessons that Sean passed on to the future 700 Club'rs were literally a step by step guide for making America into the place our forefathers couldn't have imagined, though George Orwell had a pretty good idea of.
I don't own a college but that shouldn't stand between our youth and a portentious Sean Hannity commencement speech. Kazillions of college kids look to my column every day for guidance and for that reason I now turn today's column over to Sean to give the message he could have given this year at Reverend Falwell's Liberty College -- or for that matter...Devry.
Cue: Toby Keith
Falwell : It is my great honor to introduce a man who needs no introduction and deserves so much less...Sean Hannity.
Fade: Toby Keith
SEAN HANNITY: Reverend Falwell, families, friends, graduates, or what I like to think of as potential book buyers. I am so honored to be here. Me, just a regular guy. A regular guy with no education past high school and a only five million dollar a year contract to tide me over.
As you move on from these hallowed halls, you have an awesome responsibility. A responsibility to build on the knowledge that Reverend Falwell has given you. The knowledge that gays and liberals are heathens and deserve your God-given scorn.
In a way, your life is now your very own radio show that God has bequeather you to broadcast to everyone your life touches. A radio show of life that allows you to spread the word: that Democrats are morons and against everything America stands for. Now, that's not my word, that's the word of Jesus. You can check it out. It's in the bible...somewhere. The bible Liberals want to ban. I'm not talking about the Old bible, the one the Jews use. I'm talking about the good one. The bible that liberals want to keep out of the government, keep out of our schools, and out of our churches.
I implore you to always remember to look for the truth. And when you find it, make sure you use only the parts of the truth that back up your argument. Throw out the rest. People will tell you that is wrong. But remember, God gave you the right to choose and those people who do not want you to have that right, well, those people are just people who hate God.
Remember, never let a adversary finish a sentence. Anyone who disagrees with you is on the wrong side of history and it is up to you to talk over them. Belittle them...the way Jesus would want you to. You should always use the time-honored debate tactic of shouting "yes" or "no" as many times as necessary until your opponent withers under your tough cross examination.
If someone says you're lying and tells you something you don't know how to answer, simply say, "where'd you get that from, some moronic liberal hate web site?" Then hang up on them but tell your audience that they hung up on you because they had no answer and that's what liberals do.
Never forget to use humor. And when you find something funny, don't be afraid to use it over and over and over again, five or six times a show. Drive it into the ground. It gets funnier every time you say it. I swear. Listen to this...Ted "Hiccup" Kennedy, Robert "KKK" Byrd. Funny, huh? I'll wait.
Here are three words that the Michael Moores and Alec Baldwins never want you to hear: Red Herring. Okay, it's only two words, but it makes my point. Sometimes you'll find a traitor to this country backing you into a corner with what they'll call "logic." That's where a red herring - an irrelevant topic you can present to divert attention from the original issue -- comes into play. Here's an example. The traitor says something like, "The President mislead us into a war that's killed tens of thousands of innocent people." You just say, "Why do you hate America?" See? Checkmate. And checkmate is what checkers is all about.
I leave you with two important thoughts that you should take with you and apply every day of your life. One. You must never be afraid to make a mistake. It's only human to make them. Just never admit it publicly and one day you might become President. Number two, there is no such thing as a bad Clinton joke.
You pay attention to what I'm telling you and one day you too can broadcast outside a hospice.
The future is yours, God bless and I'll be signing copies of my book in the school rectory.
Thank you and remember... three hours a day. It's all I ask.
Cue: Ted Nugent
Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (www.greatfailure.com) which Sean Hannity called "a must read." Really.