In a closed door meeting with some of his closest advisors (whose names weren't disclosed so that the White House can continue meeting with them without fear of them having to admit they met the President), President Bush revealed the actual secret map he will be forced to give to terrorists if we "fail" in Iraq. "It comes with a complete list of Stuckey's and rest stops along the way, making it far too easy for Al Quaeda or any vacationing, insurgent family to follow us here," said one White House insider. "If we're going to leave Iraq before attaining victory we might as well release all the Al Quaeda cartologists we've been holding in Guantanamo."
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"There's no doubt the second these guys get out they'll head straight to Baghdad and start drawing up maps from there to here," said an anonymous Pentagon official.
There were conversations dealing with the creation of what one insider called, "imprecise maps."
"We would have had gas stations in and around Baghdad distribute these faulty maps that would designate Iceland as the United States," said a Energy company president who may or may not have been at the meeting, "and once unfolded, make it nearly impossible to fold back into its original condition. You try to re-fold those things while you're driving, it could fly up in your face and then how are you able to find anything."
A small number of those at the meeting voiced their concern that some terrorists might already know how to get here and hypothetically, it might take as little as nineteen terrorists with actual directions to have the wherewithal to attack us here. They believe that evil-doers may have already infiltrated the Automobile Club and if they ever find their way to the map section of the AA Vacation Department they could get some trip advisor to actually develop a travel route that is both efficient and filled with fascinating landmarks that any terrorist kid would love to blow up.
"Not with our boys over there," said Secretary State, Condoleeza Rice. "See, while we're still over there, if something were in the plans over here, a simple daily briefing dossier stating a terrorist's intent to attack us here would instantly send up red flares in this White House, which coincidentally is also here."
The entire Bush science community, who was at the meeting, said that, "Even in the unlikely event they would get hold of an accurate map while we're still there, believing that you can get here from there while we're still there is as rational as believing an iceberg could melt."
The President closed the meeting more adamant than ever that the Democratic demand for a withdrawl date is out of the question.
"No doubt, we give them a date sure that we're leaving," said the President, "you can bet your life that before you can say, 'stay the course,' they'll be on the phone to the Automobile Club. And then it will be too late."
Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful"