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Obama Gets Tough On Sanctions

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Responding to continued Russian interference in the Ukraine, President Obama announced a sweeping expansion of sanctions. Adopting a "get tough" stance, the president both added new punitive sanctions and expanded the list of targets to include some of the people closest to Vladimir Putin.

This group includes Boris Shortageski, the leading producer of scarcity in Siberia, Nicolai Olagarchin who controls the Borscht cartel in Pinsk, Boris Kzyhtzk, the former KGB agent who now heads the state monopoly on vowels in the border cities of Brdzt, Mrvfzh and Gndsthzs, F.U. Obamakov, Putin's principal advisor on American affairs and General Fyodor Allballski, the Deputy Commander of Ukrainian subversion activities.

Under the new sanctions, this entire group will be:

• Not recognized by the Maître d and seated next to the kitchen when dining at Per Se, Le Bernardin and Jean George's.

• Allowed to negotiate discounted real estate commissions on purchases in the U.S. only if the price exceeds $20 million.

• Compelled to putt out everything on American golf courses. They may not receive gimme putts.

• Required to leave Vanity Fair's post Oscar party no later than 1 AM PST.

• Barred from seating in the first three rows at Knicks and Lakers games unless the guest of a major oil and gas lobbyist.

• Subject to an excise landing tax when flying private jets to Haley, Jackson Hole and Vail airports over Martin Luther King and Presidents Day weekends.

• Prohibited from discussing kale salads on weekdays.

• Required to purchase health care insurance through the HealthCare.gov website

Keeping some of his powder dry, Obama did not target the three individuals closest to Putin: his wardrobe advisor Alexandr Shirtoffiev and equine analyst Alexi Toutahorsekov and his frequent traveling companion Lyudmila Slutski.