Having been ungainfully unemployed for the past 15 years, I yielded my wife's pleadings to apply for a job. This morning I sent off five job applications:
Hays Woodford, Chairman of the Board, Save the Young Children
I hear that Save the Young Children, America's largest faith-based organization, is seeking a person of faith as your next CEO.
I believe in nine Gods -- The Holy Trinity, Yahweh, Allah, Zeus, Marduk, Huitzilopochtli, Woden, Zoroaster, and Baal.
As I believe in nine supernatural forces for which there is no evidence, I clearly exhibit more faith than your other applicants who believe in only one supernatural force for which there is no evidence. I exhibit nine times as much faith, or eleven times as much if you count Holy Trinity as three.
As I believe in nine Gods, I must observe 87 religious holidays, but I will work on Flag Day.
Andrew Rosenthal, Editorial Page Editor The New York Times
I am applying for a position as an editorial writer for The New York Times. I am skilled in editorial writing on international, domestic and personal issues.
Attached are three editorials I recently wrote. The first addresses an international crisis by urging everyone in the Middle East to stop fighting, be reasonable and just get along. The second tackles the problem of political gridlock by exhorting members of congress to stop fighting, be reasonable and just get along. The third confronts the growing national problem of divorce and marital discord by suggesting that husbands and wives stop fighting, be reasonable and just get along.
Nicolás Maduro President of Venezuela
Inflation in your country is running 800 percent. You have shortages of every conceivable consumer product, from toilet paper to beer, from milk to antibiotics. You have even begun importing oil.
You need me as Minister of Finance for Venezuela.
Having served as deputy comptroller of the City of New York when it was going bankrupt in the '70s and later on boards of several Seattle arts organizations, I am an expert in financially fucked-up organizations.
As the black market rate for the Venezuelan Bolivar is 1.1 percent of the official exchange rate, I will accept payment only in dollars.
Rep. Jim Jordan, Chairman, The House Freedom Caucus
I understand that The Freedom Caucus cannot get along with those Republican members of the House not judged criminally insane.
I had two daughters who fought incessantly from birth through adolescense. Today they are best friends.
With my guidance and advice, I guarantee, that after you all grow up, the Freedom Caucus will become best friends with those Republicans only slightly less unhinged in your group.
Hans Dieter Pötsch, Chairman of the Supervisory Board, Volkswagen
You need a new CEO. I'm your guy. Untainted by scandal, I am also untainted by any knowledge of automobiles and their manufacture. Lack of relevant knowledge is a quality increasingly valued in certain American circles today.
On the witness stand, I will able to truthfully to respond to any question, "What do I know? If a car doesn't start but has gas, I'm stumped."
I am an experienced CEO having held this position for 14 years. By all accounts, including my own, I was a mediocre CEO. But right now, mediocre may look good to you guys.
While not of German heritage, I am overbearing, arrogant and contemptuous.