Where Has the Glamour Gone?

I was quite the vision: starched hair, my mug painted with shimmering terra cotta bronzer, and sporting a custom-made tuxedo shirt in periwinkle (to match the subtle shadow in the corners of my eyes). Monsieur Fashion Critic was poised on the red carpet to drool, gush, plotz, and possibly tinkle in my YSL tuxedo pants at the sight of Nicole Kidman's impeccable couture. This was Oscar night and the dress code was impossibly glamorous.

The first star hits the red carpet. A towering blonde beauty wrapped in red taffeta. Oh my God! Could it be Charlize? Gwyneth? She inches closer. I hyperventilate at the thought of interviewing this screen queen, until I realize it's...Heidi Klum? What is she doing here? Maybe I should have read my research packet. Was there a documentary nominated about the Victoria Secret Ipex bra? And look at what she's wearing. In her voluminous red Galliano, she was the bridesmaid of Frankenstein! Oktoberfest could have been held under the skirt of her gown.

As she moves on, I try to recover from the shock of seeing a reality show hostess with little command of the English language stepping out on the most exclusive red carpet. But not to worry -- in minutes my orbs will feast on bonafide movie stars. But then, Cameron flits over in a -- gasp-- cutesy ponytail, looking like a sun damaged Hilary Duff. Her strapless peach Dior was a bolt of boring. And don't get me started on the dueling Jennifers. The right, proper Jennifer Garner was stiff and unsexy in a heavy black Oscar de la Renta and your "standard issue" diamond choker -- an ensemble better suited for Angela Lansbury picking up the Jean Hersholt award. And Jennifer Hudson? Her gown was an ill-fitted, visible panty line shower curtain. Did she pick this up at Target? Just because Proenza Scholuler went there doesn't mean she had to.

Where has the glamour gone? All these women parading around in cheap looking red satin made it feel more like a casting call for Cathouse than the 80th Annual Academy Awards. There simply aren't any standards anymore. Nicole Kidman, always the queen of fashion, is usually as dependable as a Maytag. You could always count on her to be refined. But when she hit the carpet in an unfortunate bib of rocks, she looked like a Diamonique model on QVC.

Some people blame this year's lackluster red carpet on the post-writers' strike blues. Others whisper that spotlight seeking stylists are too busy putting out their own line of breast cutlets to really care. I disagree. I think the stars are deathly afraid.

Perhaps it's better to be safe than thrilling when the world's media will be dissecting every nanodetail of your outfit the next morning. But I say, if you can't wear spectacular gowns worthy of the biggest night in Hollywood, then the red carpet will become so boring that no one will watch. My fear is that next year if you want to see a well-groomed comely creature work a carpet, you'll have to tune into the Westminster Kennel show instead.

Comments

[Homa]

Dear Steven, I do agree with nearly all of your observations. I think that the depressing lack of 'Glamour' that we saw at the Oscars reflects an epidemic of aesthetics withdrawl in contemporary American life, especially among women.

It is terribly difficult to make women of all ages whose sport of choice is kick boxing to carry themselves like an Audrey Hepburn or Grace Kelly [to name only two Hollywood Glam Icons]. So, it does not matter that Jennifer Garner wears couture... If she works out in the gym buiilding muscles... then this is what you get!

BTW, I loved Tilda Swinton's post post-modern seemingly effortless look as much as Marion Cotillard's gorgeous Gaultier gown that matched her "Thank you life, Thank you love" spirit!

[keemia]

Are you saying you didn't find one nice outfit on the carpet? Here's what you should do. Sit in a comfortable postition. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. And focus on the positive. It won't kill you, try it.

[lenalee]

Am I the only one who is annoyed that women have to be perfect and elegant (no panty lines, interesting dress, right hair style) otherwise everyone flips but men can just show up in fairly standard dress and be themselves and no one gives them a hard time.

[Darwinita]

for the Oscars? yes, darling, you are.

[S1m0n]

Nowwhere. You just got old.

[SavetheUS]

How about... Hollywood has no class, no style, no originality and no idea as to what to wear on a night of glamour and glitz...... and it shows in their clothes.

[QueenCeleste]

You said it Steven. Dullsville! I was reminded of an Academy Awards show about thirty years ago. Lee Grant was nominated and she wore a gown that I believe she said had been someone's wedding dress. And she looked gorgeous. This was, of course, before stylists and designers foisting gowns on nominees. Before being forced to blurt out "who you are wearing" on the red carpet. I loved seeing actresses in their own gowns and jewelry. Hell, Joanne Woodward sewed her own gown one year! I miss the days of individuals, instead of boring fashion clones or too casual dressing. There were mistakes, but you didn't see Cameron Diaz hair. (With armies of assistants you really have to wonder.) And, like you, I dearly miss glamour, at awards shows and in real life.

[gfk]

Hi Steven, Glad you are feeling better and back to work. I think Katherine Heigl rocked the red. Otherwise I found Tilda Swinton to be the most interesting looking human there. Maybe we have moved past glamour and onto interesting human?