I met her in a supermarket. By the eggs. She was eating corn chips. I caught her eye. She said: "These are the best corn chips. No sense getting a small bag. Have to get a big one."
I have always liked a woman with an appetite.
Eight months after my separation, my first new romantic relationship began this way. A surprise attack. It happened as I was still trying, and failing, to reconcile with my former partner. I wasn't prepared.
We stood and talked by the eggs for an hour. A voice came on the intercom system announcing that the supermarket would be closing. We parted. But I left that night with more than groceries. Along with my milk and bread, I walked out with a sense of possibility. For the first time in ages, I felt not only attracted to another woman, but attractive myself. I felt we had connected. Somehow she hadn't noticed the big "reject" sign on my forehead. I felt desirable, appreciated and accepted. It was great.
But it was also confusing. I wrote this in my diary:
August 31, 1996It struck me that I might be falling in love.
Which is, of course, ridiculous.
And completely impractical.
And complicated.
But love has always been all of those things to me. I was tempted to tell her some fabrication which made me appear to be free and unencumbered. But it didn't feel right. And I told her that though I didn't think my former partner and I could make things work as a couple, if my former partner would commit to some kind of way of trying to revive our relationship, I would probably still go for it.
That should have been warning enough. The timing was terrible for me to start a new relationship. But it was very hard to resist. I tried to be considerate and honest with the new woman, but I ended up feeling torn.
Two and a half months later, after some very good and some very painful times, I ended my relationship with the wonderful woman I met in the supermarket. During that time, my relationship with my former partner deteriorated markedly. And yet, I came out of the confusion, knowing just one thing: that I still wanted my marriage to work.
So what did I learn?
I learned that I needed to be careful with new relationships. There is affirmation in meeting and finding a connection with someone new. But there can also be a great deal of hurt. I wasn't clear about what I felt and what I wanted. And it caused pain. For me. For the supermarket woman. For my former partner.
Still, the feeling of mutual affection and understanding, the moments of simple fun and laughter, the intoxicating feeling that desire is reciprocated -- these things are were precious gifts that came from the relationship.
So I guess I don't have a formula. Just general ideas:
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This is part of a Huffington Post series. I call it "For Men Who Have Everything, Including Separation -- Thoughts on Surviving Separation."
My goals are straightforward:
I wrote "For Men Who Have Everything, Including a Broken Heart" because I would have liked a book like this when my first marriage nose-dived.
I offer it in a spirit of brotherhood and with a strong faith that once our broken hearts mend, we have the capacity to be more compassionate, wiser, more resilient and stronger than we were before.
For those interested in reading the earlier posts of this series, links are provided below:
#1 -- For Men Who Have Everything, Including a Broken Heart, Thoughts on Surviving Separation #2 -- Grieving is Healing #3 -- Beware Precipitous Action #4 -- Love Thyself #5 -- Deal with the Real #6 -- Blame is a Trap #7 -- Create Multiple Explanations #8 -- Freedom, Courage & Splitting Up #9 -- Parenting Apart: Soccer and Wandering in Life's Changes #10 -- Cut the Conflict in Front of the Kids
Follow Steven Crandell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/stevencrandell
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-crandell/for-men-who-have-everythi_3_b_793534.html
And it's painful, for both people involved. I know better than to get involved with someone who is still finding his path, but I haven't always done better myself. And then there's the guys who lie and say they're divorced when they're not.
For me, and I think really for anyone who finds themselves suddenly single, the key is to create a life that brings you joy each day. Until you are truly happy with your life and yourself, you shouldn't be out there dating.
I have created such a great life for myself that I am very careful about who I allow in now.
Age/Wisdom
I'm happy to hear that you seem in a good place. All best.
Thanks for making the effort to write, it was worth it man.
I have a friend that i worked with that is much younger than I, she's about 30, has two small children, and was separated from her husband about six months ago. I had told her to take her time, don't hope to find someone to love so quickly, they needed time, and her children needed time, etc. Well, she has,, in the last 6 months, found about 5 guys to love, moves them into her house within a week or so, and writes him love notes on facebook. Her poor kids must think its a revolving door. I worry that he could be some kind of predator, after her kids. I worry that she is going to do this for years and years. her kids have no stability, she has no stability. She just wants a man to take care of her and the kids, I believe. they have a Dad that takes care of them occasionally, and he seems quite nice around the kids. but the new guys popping in and then going through the drama of kicking them out has got to be hurting these kids. So glad I have settled down somewhat and don't need to find someone immediately to depend on, as she is doing.
I wish you well.
That's some deep doodoo Chris. Thank you for sharing and for your well wishes, and I hope life is looking up for you. As for my identity, with me it was the opposite; it has been that AS I realized how much of me I'd lost, and I began to take back bits and pieces of myself, I realized how much of me I'd given away, and how much of that gift had been squandered by someone else. THAT is why I must go. Ya know, it's funny...every other license we obtain has to be renewed...driver's license, nursing license, license to practice medicine...law, etc; even my DOG'S license and my library card...they say it's because these things are a privilege. Isn't the right to be married and loved by someone a privilege too? Shouldn't THAT license be just as important that you have to haul it out and review it from time to time? I'm just sayin...
At this point in my life whenever I have a conundrum like this I think about how it will affect my children and the decision is usually crystal clear. They come first, all else can wait.
Thank you for blogging from a mans perspective. I've been three years divorced and still have no desire to date another woman. I am not angry that my ex divorced me, just the way in which she did. Humans are not monogamous by nature, so why we try to bond for life is beyond me. With that being said; my time with my kids is to precious to divide amongst other people. Good luck to all those men that try dating and beyond.
let the damage repair itself I'm 14 years divorced and I've learned staying single is a great way to live
I'll never marry again ...... ever
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com
"This blog is a space for all of those who have experienced the end of a significant relationship and are seeking to move beyond the grief and anger. Together we can use our past traumas to help each other find balance and well-being in our lives...
This blog is about re-centering and re-purposing. Forgiving our exes, and more importantly, ourselves. It is about how to create beauty from trauma..."
Brava! Best of luck with your blog and congrats on your honesty and your courage as you move on.